I Had a Dream

So today I want to write to you about a dream I had. Do not worry the dream is just the spark of the writing I have today. Basically, within my dream I was performing a dance with a friend of mine at a social hangout event kind of thing. My friend and I rocked it. At the end my youth pastor's wife, Jacqueline, was there, and said to someone, "What a testimony, she came here because of dance, and now look at her." The dance was some sort of hip hop dance that spoke on struggling with sin. My friend, and amazing dancer, was playing the role of sin. As another one of our friends (no idea who) was above us, playing God. Later on in my dream my friend and I performed it on stage in front of my church. Then at the end the Pastor asked me to explain why we performed it. I told him, "I had a dream about us performing this dance," (the dream I with us performing at the social event) "and thought that we should actually do it. In my dream, Jacqueline told someone that it was a testimony about where I have come." Then I went on to say everything that I am about to tell you. Of course in my dream it was  very short, and hard to understand, because you rarely ever make sense in a dream. 

I told the audience of why my dance was a testimony.

Me coming to church all started with a dance crew at our church. A friend of mine told me about this dance crew at his church that was going to compete at "Teen Talent", and asked me to take him to their practices. "Teen Talent" is a competition where youth from churches go to perform many different talents, such as dancing, singing, instrumental, art, dramas, and so on... I agreed to do so because I loved dancing, and was interested in what they were going to do. When I got there I would usually watch them as they put together their dance. I would sometimes give them input on how they should do something. To them I probably was the creepy girl that just watched them dance. To me I loved watching them. Eventually I could not help, but want to dance to. So in the corner of the room, as they were dancing, I would perform dancing exercises that I learned a while ago. Eventually, a kid in the group, named Tyler, walked over and asked me to join their dance crew. Nothing was the same since. 

To everyone else in the crew, the thing was a disaster. We got to team talent and did a pretty bad job. The routine was awesome, but some of our dedication lacked. To me however, it was still the best thing to ever happen to me. I had so much love and heart for it that I was blind to the fact that we may not have done so well, and I still am. I constantly want to bring the crew back together, but no one else seems to be interested. I am always in situations within my life where my heart and dedication levels are above all the rest. With the dance I went home almost every night practicing my part of the routine. But this is true with others things, writing movies and books, making movies, sports, and so many other things...

Though to the world my heart is small, to me my heart is BIG. I have so much heart and passion for so many things. Growing up I had a lot of heart for softball! My Varsity year my couch sat me down before he made final decisions about that year's roster. He sat me down, and told me that I had to make a choice. He told me that I had a spot on the team, however if I was on the team I would be riding the bench the entire season. He said that he would understand if I chose not to be on the team. I looked at him and said, "None of that matters, I want to be on the team." I knew that team was great, and I was not about to miss out on anything. I thought for sure we were going to win states, but unfortunately we did not. That does not mean that I regret any second spent on that team. I still stick to my word by saying it was an amazing team, and I am so proud that I was a part of it. 

Just like with dance, in softball I always took my dedication home. Even in the recreational leagues. If we did not have practice I would go home and do my own three hour practice. One year I broke my ankle, but I still came to every game. I had too much heart for the sport to not want to be there. So many people always question me on the things I do. Why are you always 15 minutes early or more to things? Why do you care so much? Why do you think we are so good, when we've lost almost every game? Well my answer to the last one is I always see potential, not reality. But to the rest, I do not always have an answer. I just do it because I love to. Maybe it is a control thing. But it is also just because I love the things I do in such a way that I want to get there early, and put %120 into it. To those of you who have a relationship with God, Amen. I am going to talk to you in a second. To those of you who do not. Please message me. Talk to me. I want to tell you about how AMAZING your life can be! I won't flood you. I won't be scary. I just want to talk to you. I will only answer questions when asked. Meaning I am not going to regurgitate biblical lessons and verses at you, I just want to talk. I am not saying that with God you will find perfection, that is not true. Anyone who has ever told you that is lying. They are hypocrites. I am not saying that you should hate them for it. I am saying you should love them because they need it. They need to see what they are missing when they claim perfection. They are missing out on a true relationship. Because those who believe they are perfection are lacking a relationship with God. Because a relationship with God is built on our imperfection, our need for Him to help us. Those who are inside a church should be broken. That is why God is here. But please believe me. Though you will be broken, with God even brokeness is AMAZING, and the only way to understand that is to go through it. So please message me, talk to me. 

To those who have a relationship with God, these little things that I do. Being 15 minutes early or you are late. Giving %150 (notice how it always increases). Trying to always be smiling. All these things help God. On my softball team when we just lost and all of the girls are so angry they are going to look at me and wonder why I am smiling the way I am. When the girls go to practice, and realize I was there before the coach even got there. They are going to wonder about me. I am purposefully being different so that people wonder about me. But different in a a good way. Do not be creepy. That never gets people wanting to know more about me. But I am different, in a good way, so that people start asking questions, and when they do I can tell them that I have God on my side. I can tell them about He who makes me so different. So try your hardest everyday to be positively different. 

Then in my dream I went on to talk about my testimony. I told them about how my testimony is all about how God is present in your life, and caring about you before you even know who He is. I shared with them about how in my childhood (without going into too much detail) I suffered through a lot of things. Mainly abuse, in all sorts of ways. Physical, emotional, and sexual. I talked about a boy I knew that to me was like the brother I never had, and how he took advantage of that relationship with me.  I told them about how, even though it came close, he never took my virginity. I told them about how at the time all I could see was that I was so disgusting, so much a piece of dirt, that this man who destroyed me did not even want all of me. The thing is when you are so far in the darkness it is next to impossible to see any kind of light. At that time I could only see flaws within me. I could not see that it was not that I was flawed, but rather that God was looking after me, even then. Even when I knew nothing of Him. Then I discussed how I in reaction went on a tried so many ways of dealing with it. One of which I would lure guys in, mostly in a public situation where everyone could see. I would take them back so we were alone, make them think that we were going to do something. Tempt them, but then do nothing with them, I could never get myself to do anything. By that time I was strong so I was able to fight them off if they tried anything. But I would be lying if I said that some guys did not still do something. It was a risk I took. That is how I saw it. At the time I could only see that the something inside of me that stopped me from doing anything was just me playing them the way that many people had played me. What I see now is that it was God calling out to me, begging for me to stop. Begging me to keep myself pure. To turn to Him instead of all the things I turned to. I told the audience, "What is messed up is that I came to moments where I was so close to having my virginity stolen from me. From my best friend. From the guys I lured in that were ultimately stronger than me. From all of these people, and yet I have never been kissed." 

Then I addressed all of the women in the audience. 

Here is the thing. If a guy does not kiss you before he does anything else it is because he does not care about you or love you, no matter how much he says he does. This is not to say that just because a guy kisses you, he loves you. What I am saying though, is you need to see past all of the physical crap guys want you to do, because none of it means love to them. There is a saying, "Girls give sex to get love, Guys give love to get sex." Then I remember, I kind of went on a rampage. If they touch you knowing you do not want to be touched. They DO NOT love you. If they says things to you that seem controlling. THEY ARE! I don't want you wearing black because you look gothic. I don't want you hanging with those people they are un cool. I don't want you wearing make up, it attracts other guys. I don't want you hanging with other guys. Why do you hangout so much with your friends, and not me? These are not the words of someone who loves you. Jealously is not attractive. All of you girls out there do not settle for boys. Do not even settle for men. Do not settle. Find a guy who is worth having such an amazing women like you. When I say boys I do not mean boys in the way that puberty or whatever defines it. You can be 30, and still be a boy. Most of guys out there are still boys because that is the way society raises them.

This is why I always wanted to have a son. Because one day I want to raise a man, not a boy, a man. My son will hold doors for girls. My son will pay for meals. My son will be respectful. My son will dress well. My son will be humble. My son will know God. I saw something on Pinterest the other day that said, "Boys will be boys or so the say, but I'm raising my boy to be a man one day. Shouting is not nice and kicking hurts. Nobody likes their face in the dirt. So boys that fight, kick and shout will be boys that sit in TIME OUT!" I enjoy this so much because the "Boys will be boys" attitude is so much like society today. Society has come into a way of parenthood where it is less parenting and more accepting. Accepting that they have sex at age fourteen. Accepting that because of that they are now pregnant. Accepting that they can just get rid of the baby before or after birth. Accepting that they get into drugs. Accepting that they do not want to go to college, or get a job. Accepting that they are still boys and still girls. Accepting that they do not treat anyone nice. Accepting not parenting. Just saying things like "Boys will be boys". "They're going to have sex no matter what." "They're going to drink, so it might as well be in my house where I can watch over them." Have we given up that much on people today? So much that we cannot believe that boys can become men? That kids can sustain from having sex. That teenagers can choose not to drink. There are people like this that exist today. There are teenagers who choose not to drink! Believe it! There are people who wait til marriage before they have sex. There are men out there! They are all rare, not because that is the way of life, but because you made it that way! Girls who complain there are no good men out there, how many of you have brothers or even sons that are still boys? Raise them to be men, and one day good men will not be so rare. Start raising your children. Stop letting boys be boys. 

And girls stop letting boys take you, and break you. It does not have to be that way. If you keep giving in the boys will have no reason to become men. Why would they need to, when they can still be boys and get you. Give them a reason to start wanting to be a man. 

For me, I have never had a boyfriend. But I have been on a few dates. And I have been on the other end where there is no need for a date. But I woke up. I woke up to a better reality. A reality with a God. A reality where there are men, and I need to ask for them. I cannot ask for a man, and yet still settle for a boy. It will never happen that way. If you settle for boys, your man will never come. If I am on a date and the boy does not hold my door, strike one. If they do not at least offer to pay for my meal, even when they have no financial way of doing so, strike two. See for me I will pay for my own meal. I am not ashamed, but you have to give him the chance to be a man and offer. A great person named Gianna Jensen once said at a conference that we need to start letting our men be men. Stop trying to be men for them. Let them hold the door, let them pay for your meal. I hold doors for people, but that is my way of being polite. It is not to say that if a man came up to me and asked to hold the door I would say no. In fact sometimes I hold the door waiting to see if a man would do so. Often they fail the test. But I cannot hold that against them. So raise your boys to be men, and girls find a man, not a boy. 

I do not really have a great poetic way of ending this. This was just a rant based off of a dream. But I guess I can end it by being like Martin Luther King Jr. and saying, "I have a dream." I have a dream where parents will stop basing their parenting off of acceptance, and more off of holding their children to a higher standard. Believing in their children that they will meet that standard. I have a dream where boys become men, and girls wait for their men to come. I have a dream where people who struggle stop struggling, and realize there is a God waiting for them to find Him. Waiting to help them. Waiting to wrap them in His arms. I have a dream where I leave this world a better place.




Like what you read? Check out my other blog "There's a Tide in the Affairs of  Men *College*" !