A Cleaning Testimony

So I was doing some cleaning of my room today and I came across a note card that I used for a speech in one of my classes and it read, "My experiences in life have given me the ability to easily place myself in the eyes of others. When I was ten I began to try to change my life around so that I was no longer the rough and tough girl who decided to take her pain out on others, and become someone people wanted to know and care about. I realized that in order to empathize and care about other people you must put yourself in their shoes. You must suffer along with them. You must realize there IS a face behind everyone you bully, beat, and pick on."

I felt like I wanted to write something on this for some reason. The truth is though I have no idea what to write, so I am sorry if this is not structured correctly or does not flow. Please bare with me. 

Lately, a lot of things in my life are hitting me hard. Many of those things are elements of my past. A huge part of my past is that I grew up in elementary school as a bully. I know that sounds foolish. A small kid in elementary school who bullies or gets into trouble? They don't even know what trouble is. Right?

Wrong. I beat someone up for the first time at a very small age. Early in life I learned that if you wanted to be someone you had to be on top. I also learned that a fast way to the top is intimidation. This tactic is used all around the world by people like Hitler, Kony, and any terrorist ever known. They intimidate those into allowing them to conquer and be on top. That's exactly what I did. I do want to point out though that just because you learn something, does not mean that it is correct. And later in life I realized that these "ways of life" were wrong. You do not have to be on top to be someone, and you certainly do not have to get there through intimidation. 

When I was seven I first experienced the act of smoking cigarettes. When I was eight I first experienced marijuana. I had my first drink at age nine. Luckily, I never picked anything up, but I would be lying if I said I did not come close. Looking back situations like this happened a lot. I would come close to destroying my life, but ultimately for some unknown reason I would stop. I believe I know this reason. That reason is God. I think he had me in his hands the whole time. I think he knew I would go somewhere someday, and if I had picked that cigarette, or joint, or cigar, or any drug that I have ever come into contact with up I would never get to where I was today. He had been winning battles for me before I knew him. 

When I was eight I first discovered the act of sex. I was naive however. I knew of sex, but not that there were any alternatives like, well just get creative. This ignorance would lead to something later in life that I wish I could go back and change, but I cannot so I must live with it, and try to forgive myself the way the Lord and Jesus Christ have all ready forgiven me. Ever since I discovered sex, however I fought with the temptations that come with sex. In elementary school it was not too bad because none of my classmates really knew what it was so there was no one asking. However, towards middle school and especially in high school I fought huge battles with it. I continuously thought, "If I have sex, than I can have a boyfriend. And he will love me, and I will have it all." But I was completely wrong. It's suppose to go the other way around. Relationship, dating, love, marriage, sex. You cannot go backwards. Think of all the people who tried to go, sex, marriage, love, dating, relationship. They failed. In high school I saw first hand, with some of the people I care about the most, what this backwards belief about sex does to you. It destroys you. Whether you realize it or not. So even before I completely "knew" the Lord I had decided not to go down that path. Not to have sex before marriage. 

I am telling you all of this so that you understand. It does not matter how young you are. Your life can still be destroyed, and you can still be a terrible person. 

A part of my notecard that hit me hard was, "When I was ten I began to try to change my life around so that I was no longer the rough and tough girl whodecided to take her pain out on others, AND BECOME SOMEONE PEOPLE WANTED TO KNOW AND CARE ABOUT." 

Recently I have been struggling with this a lot. 

When I decided to turn my life around I lost a lot of my friends because they still wanted to go on with their drugs, intimidation, and illegal acts, and I did not. I still beat myself up though for never trying to convince them their ways were wrong. I often think about one of my best friends because I think that if I had not turned myself around I would have ended up like them. Recently however I have been thinking about them because I could have saved them from the terrible state they are in now. Anyways, making friends from there on was hard. I kept making new friends, but they kept leaving me. Either our lives took us down different paths, they fell in love with a boy, or they just left for some unknown reason. I use to hate them for it, but now I have realized that I cannot hate them for they did not completely know what they were doing. I have forgiven them, and if they ever came back I would hold no grudge. 

However, everyone leaving created me to ward myself off. I wanted someone to come and be close to me, and be my friend, but the fear of them leaving created me to always keep them far away. I would not let them close to me. I would not allow myself to completely care about them, or more importantly I would not allow them to care about me. I easily kept people away through defense mechanisms. 

In school I always had a smile on, and talked to as many people as I could so that I would appear like I had it all together. I would never cry in front of anyone. I would not let anyone know the struggles I was going through, or even that I was struggling. Whenever things got serious I covered it up with humor and jokes. And most importantly the words "Nothing," and "I don't know" became my best friends. The average person wants to help, but does not want to push "too far". So whenever anyone asked what was wrong I said, "nothing" or "I don't know", and they went about their business. This created me to deal with things inside my head. I thought that this was okay, but recently I have discovered that this is not okay at all. So I have been trying to work on it. However, I have not talked for eighteen years, so it is physically hard for me to start cold turkey. I have so much stuck up here in my head that I need to get out. Eighteen years worth. But I just can't seem to do it. 

This leads me to the biggest reason why I have been suffering with this "not letting people care about me". Last year I discovered an amazing group of people, Portside Youth, and they showed me the Lord. I can never thank them enough for that. Most of all they have broken most of my barriers. I cannot use humor to cover things up. I can no longer completely hold back my tears. And slowly but surely they have been trying to break down the wall that keeps me from talking. Most important out of all of them are Brian and Jacqueline. 

The biggest thing Portside has done is made me allow them to care for me. And most importantly created me to allow myself to care about them. I have opened my heart to them, and I would be devastated if anything ever happened to them. This is really the first time in years I have been this vulnerable. So recently Jacqueline or "JZ" and Brian announced that they are moving. I am incredibly happy for them, but it has been really rough. It is hard because since I allowed myself to be vulnerable again they are the first people to leave. I hate saying this because I do not want it to seem like I am angry at them, but it just feels like years ago when everyone kept leaving when I needed them the most. Truth is though pretty soon I am going to be leaving a lot of people as I move down to Tennessee and attend Lee University. This is going to be a HUGE struggle for me. Which is why I am trying my best to start opening up to JZ and Brian or anyone because I know I am really going to need them when I leave. This is just all really hard. My entire life through coaches, teachers, and other kid's parents I have been trying to find someone to help the part of my life that is missing, and JZ and Brian have filled that. So it is really hard to let go. When I found out I could not look at them. It was way too hard. It is still hard to look at them to be honest. Please do not get me wrong I am NOT AT ALL angry with them. It is just hard to look at them, and not realize how much I am going to miss them. 

The coolest part about Sunday though I have to give up to my good friend, Victoria. When I heard the news I fled. I wanted to make sure no one, especially JZ and Brian could see me. I used back hallways, walked around outside, and hid upstairs in the video booth. I had finally composed myself and was headed upstairs again to finalize the church video. I saw Jacqueline, and turned around. It was kind of one of those "If I can't see you, you can't see me" thoughts. I faced Victoria. Victoria looked at me with a look that said. "Turn around." I kept asking, "What?" But I knew. Jacqueline was right behind me and wanted to talk. She took me into the guest services, and hugged me. I had never wanted someone to hug me more in my life, and have never felt so glad to be hugged by someone. However, it broke me. I completely lost my cool. Jacqueline pulled me away, and I continued to stare at the floor. She brought herself down so she could look me in the eyes. I could not take it so I covered my face and said, "I can't." She hugged me, and walked away. I stood there covering my face, unable to move. I was trying to compose myself enough to run upstairs. Realizing that I probably could never do so I ran out of the guest services room, and walked as fast as I could up to the video booth. Victoria followed me. I got up there and began to work on the video as streams of tears began to flow down my face, and onto the keyboard. (Sorry Mike) [Just before than a girl from youth named Mallory's mom had asked us to sit close to her during the second service to make sure she was okay.] I broke down again. Collapsing my face onto my hands as I cried harder. I tried to speak through my tears to Victoria. I said, "Victoria, I don't think I can do this. I can't be strong for Mallory. I just can't." And she turned to me and said, "You don't have to." It was simple, but it meant a lot to me! I had never had someone say that. My entire life I have tried to be strong. Fight tears. Keep people out. Not talk about my problems. Stay strong so that in a time of need I was the only one calm, and I could be strong for others. Finally, someone told me I did not have to. Someone lifted the weight from my shoulders. I cannot thank you enough for that Victoria! 

Overall, I am not really sure why I told you all this. Maybe, mostly for my own help. But if I could have you guys take anything out of this I would say....

1) Realize that anyone at any age could have it hard.

2) Step up when you see someone in need, you never know how much you could have saved them

3) Never bully anyone! It's not worth it!

4) You don't have to be on top to be someone

5) Don't hide yourself!

6) Allow yourself to care

7) Allow others to care about you

I hope this helped someone




Like what you read? Check out my other blog "There's a Tide in the Affairs of  Men *College*" !