Lately, I have been really struggling with my relationship with God. Do not get me wrong, I still believe in Him, and I long for Him. The thing I have been struggling with is hearing Him, and feeling His presence. I have not done either for a long time. This is something hard to go through. Especially, when you are a religion major.
I am constantly in the school of religion surrounded by people who seem to be so firm in their faith. I have professor after professor question my faith, and my relationship with God. I am constantly convicted. I constantly question if ministry is for me. How can I lead people when my faith goes under trials? How will they believe me when my belief is shaken? It was so hard to build my faith in an environment where it felt like everyone else had already arrived. And now it is even harder to maintain my faith in a place where it feels like no one else ever wavers.
But I have come to many realizations. First and foremost, no one has arrived and everyone has wavered. Second, people tend to believe you more when you are honest about your own disbelief. Because here is the truth, as I have stated before, no one has arrived and everyone has wavered. To pretend otherwise would just cause those whom you lead to call your bluff and stop trusting you. So the best decision would not be to pretend like you have it all together, but to be vulnerable and comfortable enough to say that you do not.
Lately, I have been feeling God pull me back. And this journey back, the sweetness and blissful joy, has made all the struggle completely worth it.
Mostly, God has spoken to me through the works of others.
First, the story in the 9th chapter of Mark. A man comes to Jesus asking him to heal his son. The man turned to Jesus and said, "Help my unbelief." Since reading that it has become a prayer over my life. Asking God constantly to help my unbelief.
Second, the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North.
I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real
The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend
Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
This song is all about a man speaking to God in his disbelief. And the second half of the song is God's response.
The third is the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you
(Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something
Every time I hear this song I see one thing. I see an image of a man all alone. He is standing in a dark room. The room has no visible doors. No way out. He begins to scream to God, "Say something I'm giving up on you!" God responds, "I'll be the one if you want me to." And so on. God is screaming out to the man desperately grasping at him to hear His voice. But the man will not open his ears. At the end of the song I imagine the man collapsing, finally giving himself over to God, and finally he hears. Finally he runs into the arms of the Lord.
Lastly, is the song "Christ Be With Me" by the The Brilliance.
Christ be with me, Christ before me
Christ behind me, Christ within me
Christ below me, Christ above me
At my right had, At my left hand
As I lie down, As I rise up
As I stumble, As I fall down
Christ as I stand
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me
Christ is every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Amen
Amen
This is my prayer for my entire life. Whether or not my faith is wavering. Whether or not I am on the mountain or in the valley, this is my prayer for my entire life.
