Heartbreak

God has been opening my heart to so many new hurts that someone can go through these past few months. Though I wish I wasn't learning about them in the ways I am, I am grateful for God showing me a little more of His heart. For breaking my heart for what breaks His. For showing me a little more of His ways. For bringing to my attention the wrongs of this world, and for burning a passion unlike any other I had before. Yeah, I wish I wasn't discovering these hurts the way that I am, but would I ever discover them any other way? God thank You for being the everlasting, all-knowing, loving God that You are. Thank You for walking this journey with me. My heart breaks, but I know that I have the almighty God to rest upon when it does.

God walk with those that have revealed to me their heartbreaks, their struggles, their withered hands. Heal them. Love them. Help me to help them. God wrap them in Your arms. Show them that they are not alone. Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit my heart breaks for them, and I wish I could take all of their pain, but I know that I cannot. And so I will rest my faith in You. Knowing that You have them in Your arms. Knowing that You can take it all away. Thank you God. Amen. 

Freed

I'm sure you've all heard this story before. It's the oldest story in the book. Well, technically it's like the third story in the second chapter of the book. What story is this? The story of Moses and the burning bush. It's a pretty simple story. Moses walks by a burning bush that is on fire, but not consumed by the fire. Moses is mesmerized by this and goes to see what this is all about. When he gets to the bush God begins to talk to him. God calls him to "Let my people go!" Or was that Moses to the Pharaoh... Anyways, God calls Moses to go into Egypt and demand that the Pharaoh release the imprisoned Jews.  Then Moses and God go back and forth because Moses doesn't believe that he is the great leader that God is calling him to be. But God knows that he is. Eventually, Moses loses the battle, and goes on to free the Jews from Egyptian slavery. 

Normally this story is told to bring up leaders from the congregation. It's a very inspiring story for those who want to be great leaders, but are afraid they won't add up to their calling. I believe that is a great way to use this story. But this morning as I was reading the story for my daily devotions something else from the story stood out to be. It came from when God was talking to Moses. 

Moses had come to the bush and God instructed him to take off his shoes for he was now standing on holy ground. Then God began to reveal to Moses what He was asking of him. God said "I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt; I have heard their cry on account of their taskmasters. Indeed, I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them from the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey..." Exodus 3:7-8 (NRSV)

Look at what God is saying. He has seen the misery of His people. He has heard their cries. He knows their suffering. He has come down to deliver them from their oppressors. Does this sound familiar? It should. God is doing the same for the enslaved Jews as He has done for us. He has seen our misery. He has heard our cries. He knows our suffering. Through Christ He has come down to deliver us from our oppressors; our sins. 

So, who are we going to be? Are we going to be like the Jews and once we're freed only long for the life we once had imprisoned in Egypt? Only long for our life full of sin and no forgiveness? Or are we going to keep our heads pointed to the destination, to the promise. The promise that God will bring us up out of the bad and into the good and broad land flowing with milk and honey. 

We cannot let our sins become our identity. Don't even let it be the ground you stand on. Don't let it be the thing that defines you, waking up each morning wondering, "Will I fall into this sin again?" or "Will I ever not feel like a victim of my past?" Let it be the starting point. The beginning, but not the end. Something important to the progression of the story, but not something that defines the story. Allow it to be a thing of healing, not of torture and identity. But rather allow Christ to be your sole identity. Look forward to the reward, the promise. Just as God has freed the Jews from slavery, He has freed us. 

You are lucky. You are loved. You are beautiful.

Please believe me when I say that I understand the harsh pain that comes with the feeling that you no longer want to live. I've been there. I came so very close to ending my life. You feel many things, three of those being unlucky, unloved, and not beautiful. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your eyes. Look at your mouth. Look at your nose. Look at your face. Look at your body. Look at your arms, your legs. Look at your chest. Watch it move up and down. You see that? That is air moving up and down, up and down within you lungs. Feel it. You are ALIVE. And when you begin to realize how many people in the world don't have that kind of luck you begin to realize just how lucky you truly are. You are lucky. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are alive. You still have purpose. You still have a future. You still have hope.




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Finding Our Calling

            One of the hardest things one will do in their lifetime is find what God has called them to do in this wonderful thing He has given us called, life. From the very first day we begin kindergarten we are asked one of life’s most frequently asked questions, “What will you be when you grow up?” Of course, now this question has evolved into its slightly more sophisticated form, “What will you do when you graduate college?” or “What has God called you to do?” From the very first day in kindergarten when our much taller than we are teacher leans down to meet us eye to eye and ask us what we were going to do when we grow up we have felt the strong pressure to figure out what we are called to do for the rest of our life as fast as possible.

            Luckily as a young child this decision seems simple. The typical child’s answers are “I want to be a firefighter.”, “I want to be a princess.” , or “I want to be the president of the United States.” Children find something that seems to make people happy, and they latch on to it as something they are destined to do. For me I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a writer, a musician, a film maker, a professional athlete, a professional motocross rider, a professional skate boarder, a professional roller blader, the first female pro football, and so on. I learned at a very young age that I was very passionate about many things.

In middle school the range of what my peers wanted to do became a little more diverse. Instead of every girl wanting to be a princess, and every boy wanting to be a firefighter or policeman who saves the princess, my peers began to broaden their horizons. Though there were the few who still hung on to the idea becoming firefighters and policemen, the guys were deciding to become doctors, athletes, scientists, and so on. The girls had given up hope on becoming the next in line to royalty, and moved on to becoming doctors, scientists, counselors, make-up artists, actresses, singers, musicians, and so on. Not matter what they chose they all had one thing in common; they chose what they wanted to be based off of their main interest. The kids who loved art wanted to be artists. The kids who loved math wanted to be math teachers. The kids who loved talking to people wanted to be counselors. I however, had so many passions that the list probably could not have fit onto one page. I wanted to be everything, and I could not settle.

            In high school I thought I had figured it out. My first two years I was dead set on becoming an actress. I found everything I ever needed in movies. I found a meaning to be alive. I found a reason to chase after love. I found a reason to love others. When I watched movies I felt like I belonged. I felt like I had experienced a touch of the magic that is within this world. I found everything that I ever wanted, and the people I admired most were those in the movies. So I decided that acting was for me. I decided that I wanted to make a difference and influence others, and this was the way to do it. However, I slowly decided that the likelihood of me making it in the acting world was very unlikely. So the last two years of high school I decided that I was going to be a filmmaker. I was always being told I was really good at it. I had already written a few movie scripts, and had already made a few films about motocross. I was good at editing, directing, filming, all of it. This was my calling. But then my senior year of high school I found the one thing that changed it all, God.

            In my Mission of the Church class we were asked to write a reflection paper about how we came to a sense of calling in our life. In my paper I shared the story of my salvation, and how I came to know God. There is no need to reiterate, but long story short I was lost then I was found. I was brought into the church through a youth group dance group. I stuck around realizing that maybe I would find some of the answers I was looking for at this church, and in this God. I realized that God was the thing I was looking for, the answer to all of my problems. I fell in love with God, and discovered He had fallen in love with me a long time ago. Everything got better. I was hooked. I wanted to get as much as I could from God. Not in a materialistic way, but a spiritual way. I wanted to find out the most I could about Him. I wanted to read every word there is in the Bible, worship God for hours, pray to Him for longer, and listen to preachers tell me about His word with the rest of my time.

            My freshmen year of college I put my idea of what I was called to do into practice as I began to study under the major of Electronic Media and Film. However, halfway through my freshmen year of college I attended a fall retreat with my youth group where God called out to me, and told me that I needed to leave the college I was at. I was torn apart, but I knew God had a plan for me. So I left Towson University, my family’s alma mater that was one hour from home and well known for it’s film program, and I moved to Lee University, a school my family knew nothing about that was ten hours from home with a basically non-existent film program. I slowly began to realize my calling towards ministry.

            To this day I still struggle with the idea that I should still be making films. Makings films is what I love, but so is youth ministry. Films are still where I find that touch of magic in this world. Where I find God, and where He speaks to me. But so is youth ministry. I get the same feeling when I speak to youth in an intimate setting or on stage as I do when I am involve in film, both watching and creating. For now I have decided to major in Youth Ministry and minor in Telecommunications or soon to be Digital Media. I still feel that I am called to do so many things, and it confuses me. I feel that I am to be youth pastor, a filmmaker, and a writer. I do not know how all of these go together, but this is what I feel my calling is.

            In Mission of the Church we have discussed what our mission is in the light of God’s redemptive work through humanity. We are called to praise God with everything we do. We have learned so much in Mission of the Church that has directed me closer to where I should be, but this is what has stuck out to me the most. I may still be torn by what I should do once I graduate, but thanks to this class I am no longer torn about what to do with the rest of my life. No matter what I do after college I know that my calling is to praise and worship God with everything I do, whether that is youth ministry, film making, writing, or all three. I know that my calling is to follow whatever God calls me to do in the same way that I followed His calling that brought me here to Lee University.

            I think some of the wisest words I have ever been told in reference to my calling came from my friend Victoria’s father, Mr. Darrin. I confessed to him that I was struggling with what I should do with my life, and what God’s calling for my life was. He looked at me and put it simple, “I’m still trying to figure that out myself.” At the time I laughed, and moved on, but now I realize he was one to something. Here is a man pretty far in life, not very far for he is still young, but far enough to be a father to a college age daughter and a teenage son, to be an inactive Marine, and to be a business owner of his own construction company, Harvest Moon. Here is a man who has done a lot. He has served in the Marines, done missions work in Haiti and other places, is a father to two children, and owns his own business, but he still does not feel like he knows his calling. I am not sure if we ever do. I am not sure if finding our exact calling is something that we can know as humans. I think we can, through revelations given to us by God, discover what we must do next. Which jobs we must take. Which field of work we must go into. But I truly believe that God does not intend for us to know exactly what we should be doing with our lives until our lives are over, and we meet Him in Heaven.

            For instance, my youth pastor, pastor Brian, thought his calling was to be a youth Pastor. So he pastored at Crosswind Church as the youth minister to Portside Ministries for five years. Then God revealed to him that his calling was to plant a church in North Port, Florida. So now he lives in North Port, Florida serving as the main pastor to the church that he planted. Who knows what he is to do next? Maybe he is to remain there for the rest of his life, but maybe not. We cannot know. We can only predict.

            Finding your calling in life is a lot like a film technique called vertigo. Vertigo is when the cameraman zooms in but moves the camera out, or vice versa. This causes what they call vertigo effect when you can see both the background and the foreground but it is blurry in between. That is how I feel when I think about discovering my calling. I can see where I am beginning and I envision the end, but I cannot see the in-between. It is too blurry.

            So with all of that being said I believe that my calling is to follow God, and praise and worship Him with anything I do. To specify I predict that God is going to use my talents to work with me in youth ministry, film making, and writing. After college I am going to look for work as a youth pastor. I feel a certain call to minister to the youth because that is the age I found God, and needed to be reached out to. I also feel that this is the age where I can really make a difference. I know that not every one of students are going to commit their life to Christ in the way that I might hope and that odds are most of them won’t, but if I can reach out to just one of them my job will be done. However, I am also going to continue writing films, and trying to cast and film them. Who knows, maybe God will call someone to purchase rights to one of my scripts, and they can produce my film. I feel that God has given me a passion for films for a reason. I believe that films are a great way to connect with and reach out to the people of our nation. I hope to one-day make a film that makes a difference; that shows someone the magic of this world and the majesty of our Lord. I am also going to continue to write books. Just as with film making, I believe God gave me a passion and talent for writing for a reason as well, and who knows who I might reach through my books. For all I know making films and writing books could forever remain a means of entertainment for me, or it could one day become a means of employment. I won’t know until it happens, but what I do know is that God is calling me to minister to those around me. I believe that He is specifically equipping me to minister to the youth of our nation for that is where I was found, and that is where many other high school seniors just looking for an answer to all their problems are going to be found. If I am lucky, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to direct them to that answer, and show them the love God has for them the same way my youth pastor did to me not too long ago so that one day they will find their calling for life that God has for them just like I believe I have done.

         We may never know our calling, but we can rest in the knowledge that we are called to serve God. Pray to Him. Ask Him to lead you in the way of His plans, and you will go places you never imagined. Worship and praise Him in everything you do, and you will be fulfilling your call. Overall, do not worry too much over what you are going to do when you grow up, and worry more about what you are going to do now. For now is all that we are promised, and now is all that matters. 

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Man's Search for Meaning; Sandy Hook

I was reading a book this morning that was given to me by my Psychology professor. The title is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It's a book written by a survivor of the Holocaust on the psychological mind set of a prisoner. Within the book Frankl speaks on a prisoner's mindset when he was finally freed. He explains that some of these men, men who have suffered some of the greatest sufferings known to mankind, come out not with the mindset that since they have suffered no one else should suffer like them, but rather that because they have suffered in the way that they have they can let anyone else suffer because they have the right to.

My heart still breaks for those in New Town, Connecticut. My fear as I read this book is for those children and adults involved. I fear that if their grief and sufferings are not treated correctly they will have this mindset. They can make others suffer as much as they want because they have suffered. 

It is this mindset that creates people like the gunman at Sandy Hook. They suffer and feel others should suffer with them. 

"No one has the right to do wrong, not even if wrong has been done to them." -Frankl

Here is a man who has suffered some of the worst sufferings known to man, and even he can recognize that no one has the right to do wrong, even those who have been wronged.

As a Christian I cannot help but be thankful that our savior, Jesus Christ, did not have this mindset. That he agrees with Frankl. For if he did not agree with Frankl how would we be living? He has been wronged in so many ways, yet he shows us all mercy. 

I just hope that none of you see this as an act of God. It is not an act of God. It is an act of evil. Be reminded that God blessed us with the ability to choose our actions. And with that unfortunately comes sin and evil. God will be here to heal us, but he cannot keep us form making the wrong decision. Look to Him for guidance, and not as a person to blame. 

Honestly, I am not exactly sure where I am going with this. I just felt the need to say this. I continue to pray for the families in Connecticut. I pray for grace and mercy. I pray for the parents who will never get to send their child to school again. I pray for the families of the teachers who lost their lives. I pray for the school, that it can rise up again. I pray for the community that it can rise up again. I pray for the gunman's family that they find answers, and that they don't experience too much hatred. That people remember they are suffering as well. I pray for those poor children who saw their friends as they walked out of the school for help. I just pray. Please do not forget them. Do not allow them to be forgotten. For those of you who pray continue to pray. For those who don't just do whatever you can to keep things like this from happening. 

Look out for people like this man. Love them. Speak to them. Calm them. Get them help. 

On my way home from church this morning I heard the song "Boston" by Augustana. It says, "You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah, she said, you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains." As these lyrics were sung I couldn't help but think of this man. This gunman that walked into a school. I must admit that anger towards him still lingers within my heart, but I also have to admit that I feel God spoke to me with these lyrics. "You don't know me, you don't even care." How many people do you pass by in the hallway that you don't know. That you know nobody knows them. They're alone and it's obvious. "You don't know me, you don't wear my chains." Just talk to them. I promise you, you can make a difference. If you don't think so read this story. The Story of Kyle. If you still don't think so, talk to me. Email me. I am walking evidence of the effect people have when they just choose to talk to you. 

Please, as my pastor asked us today, let go of your hate. Even if it is small hatred. Because we sit here and wonder how this guy could do something so horrible. The truth is it all starts with hate. First we hate someone. Then we can't stand them. Then we want to hurt them. And before we know it we're talking to the cops saying that we don't remember anything. We just remember being angry. 

Please, I ask again keep Sandy Hook in your prayers, and don't let them be forgotten. Let go of your hatred. Let go of the mindset that you can harm because you have been harmed. Begin a new legacy right now. Just because you have suffered does not mean that those after you have to. You can change things. So do it. Don't just stand by as other gunman and suicides are in the making.




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Be Careful

Be careful of  the girl dressed down 

because she doesn't believe she's worth a crown

Be careful of the girl with scars 

for she will do herself harm

Be careful of the girl with bruises on her neck and face, 

for she says it's from sports, but it's her father's belt and shoe lace

Be careful of the boy you laugh at in the locker room 

for his father has a gun, and he's going to use it soon

Be careful of the girl who limps, 

because her life is harder than your's

Be careful of the boy who's weird, 

because he'll soon own all your stores

Be careful of the words you say, 

for they bring life and death

Make sure that you always breathe 

a living breath

Hold your tongue unless you have 

something life giving to say

For it will be you, boy or girl 

receiving it one day




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Gift of Life

The gift of life is truly amazing. I know that you have probably heard this millions of times before, and some of you are probably annoyed by it. But I feel the need to bring what may be a different perspective onto it for some of you. 

Some of you do not view life as an amazing gift. Some of you do, but wish that your's had altercations. I wish my hair was straight. I wish my eyes were blue. I wish I was tall. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish I could have kids. I wish I did not have homework. I wish someone liked me, and so on. These are things that run through people's minds everyday. For some of us this burden of a different life becomes too strong to handle, and we try to get rid of it. We slash our wrists. We hang ourselves. We shoot our brains. We drown ourselves. So on. You know the stories. You have heard of the kids who took their lives before they even knew what living was. You have heard of the troubled men and women who have given up. You have heard of it all. To some of you you cannot even fathom it. To some of you these stories ring too true to your own. What I want to say, even being someone who has struggled with this myself, taking away life is a terrible thing. Even if it is yours. 

Not all of us may believe in God. But most of us know that we are here for a reason. To some of you what I am about to say may have no significance to you. You may care less about what I have to say, but I ask that you read this anyway, and see if it makes a difference. 

I believe that we have a creator, and His name is God. The greatest thing that God has ever done for us is give us life. One night I laid in my bed, and began think of why I was even here. I began to question God, and why He put me here. I began to think that I should just quit. Give up on life, and take it away from myself. But then God spoke. 

I began to realize that life truly is, as I have already said, the best gift ever given to us. Imagine the best gift you have given, or could give, someone. The most extravagant gift that takes so much effort and time on your part to give to someone. Imagine the happiness and joy you gain from giving not only this gift, but so much of yourself with it. To some this is just a diamond ring accompanied by the words, "Will you marry me." To some it is more materialized as in a house or a car. Now granite I am going to simplify a much more complicated situation, but that is not to say that it does not make sense or ring true. 

Say I spend years saving up and preparing to buy a house for someone who needs it. This is no ordinary house. Not only did I put so much of myself into it, but this house is amazing. Stone on the walls, huge kitchen, huge rooms, everything ever wanted/needed. Basically a mansion. Even a pool with a walkway underneath to look up at those swimming. It is AMAZING. I want to keep it for myself, but instead I want to give it to someone very special. Maybe my parents, my sister, someone else in my family, or maybe even someone in need. So I do. Say my parents, just because mostly everyone can relate to that. I bring them to the house. I am excited. I have been preparing for this moment for years. They look at it. They love it. They begin to walk around, and experience it. Walking through each hallway with excitement. But then they begin to become a little less excited. The garage only fits three cars, but they have four. The hallway is painted red like the house of one of my mother's former boyfriends when she was younger, which brings back bad memories. The kitchen counters are a little different then the color they like. Eventually they turn to me and say that they do not want it anymore. How am I to react? What do you mean you do not want it? It's for you! It's fits you perfectly. The color of the counter is different because it brings out mom's eyes the way dad likes them. The garage only has three car doors because it allows mom to show off her car when she wants, but when it rains it can be switched with dad's minivan. The red hallway is filled with pictures of our family, which is to make mom realize what she has gotten for waiting for the right relationship as opposed to sticking with the former boyfriend. It is perfect. It is for you. It was meant for no one else but you. 

This is a little bit how God looks at us. Life is the biggest, most extravagant gift He has ever given to us. He meant it for us, and only us. It is perfect. It breaks His heart for us to think otherwise. And when we give it away it tears Him apart. A piece of Him dies with you. He invested Himself in you. He made you in His image. He spent a long time on creating you, not only nine months, but the years it took to line up anyone who ever had a part in the relationships of your elders that came together creating a lineage that lead to YOU. He has planned on you and the things you have done, and will do, for the entire existence of this earth. You have a place. He not only loves you with everything He has, but He wants you to accept and enjoy this gift, and most importantly, never give it away.




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