Struggling

Lately, I have been really struggling with my relationship with God. Do not get me wrong, I still believe in Him, and I long for Him. The thing I have been struggling with is hearing Him, and feeling His presence. I have not done either for a long time. This is something hard to go through. Especially, when you are a religion major.

I am constantly in the school of religion surrounded by people who seem to be so firm in their faith. I have professor after professor question my faith, and my relationship with God. I am constantly convicted. I constantly question if ministry is for me. How can I lead people when my faith goes under trials? How will they believe me when my belief is shaken? It was so hard to build my faith in an environment where it felt like everyone else had already arrived. And now it is even harder to maintain my faith in a place where it feels like no one else ever wavers. 

But I have come to many realizations. First and foremost, no one has arrived and everyone has wavered. Second, people tend to believe you more when you are honest about your own disbelief. Because here is the truth, as I have stated before, no one has arrived and everyone has wavered. To pretend otherwise would just cause those whom you lead to call your bluff and stop trusting you. So the best decision would not be to pretend like you have it all together, but to be vulnerable and comfortable enough to say that you do not. 

Lately, I have been feeling God pull me back. And this journey back, the sweetness and blissful joy, has made all the struggle completely worth it. 

Mostly, God has spoken to me through the works of others. 

First, the story in the 9th chapter of Mark. A man comes to Jesus asking him to heal his son. The man turned to Jesus and said, "Help my unbelief." Since reading that it has become a prayer over my life. Asking God constantly to help my unbelief. 

Second, the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North. 

I know I need You

I need to love You

I'd love to see You but it's been so long 

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

I need to hear You

Is that so wrong

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Now You pull me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done 

Are You done forgiving

Or can You look past my pretending, Lord

I'm so tired of defending what I've become

What have I become

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

I hear You say

My love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you doubt me

When you can't feel

The times that you question

Is this for real 

The times you're broken

The times that you mend

The times you hate me

And the times that you bend 

Well my love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace 

The times you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal 

In times of confusion

In chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame 

I'm there through your heart-ache

I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by my power alone 

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends

It never ends, mmmm

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

This song is all about a man speaking to God in his disbelief. And the second half of the song is God's response. 

The third is the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye 

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere I would've followed you

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) 

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something

Every time I hear this song I see one thing. I see an image of a man all alone. He is standing in a dark room. The room has no visible doors. No way out. He begins to scream to God, "Say something I'm giving up on you!" God responds, "I'll be the one if you want me to." And so on. God is screaming out to the man desperately grasping at him to hear His voice. But the man will not open his ears. At the end of the song I imagine the man collapsing, finally giving himself over to God, and finally he hears. Finally he runs into the arms of the Lord. 

Lastly, is the song "Christ Be With Me" by the The Brilliance.

Christ be with me, Christ before me

Christ behind me, Christ within me

Christ below me, Christ above me

At my right had, At my left hand

As I lie down, As I rise up

As I stumble, As I fall down

Christ as I stand

Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me

Christ is every eye that sees me

Christ in every ear that hears me.

Amen 

Amen

This is my prayer for my entire life. Whether or not my faith is wavering. Whether or not I am on the mountain or in the valley, this is my prayer for my entire life. 

There's Something About Snora

Today I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, trying not to do all of the work on my plate and distract myself from the dreary weather outside, when something caught my eye. It was a video one of my residents had posted the night before. She could not sleep, and so she decided to post a video of what she felt God had put on her heart. The video was of a spoken word she was in the process of writing.

As I watched the video I began to think back on my previous year, and something came to my mind. An unfiltered thought that may or may not be true. Most of the female students I have come to know on campus who have done the most creative and inspiring things have come from Snora, or another dorm like it on the ped mall. 

It seems to me like these students have an idea or feel inspired by God, and then almost immediately act on it with a passion that I just did not feel or witness in my old dorm. My old dorm was great, and there were many students their who had wonderful ideas and did great things. But it was rare that I saw someone acting on those ideas. The students usually came up with an excuse or they were too busy.

It hit me. There's something about Snora. 

There's something about this group of mostly Freshmen girls (that's sounds like an oxymoron) who have come together in a building that feels like it's falling apart at its seams, and decided to make something great. There is a sense of inspiration within this building that only comes from being forced to live in such close quarters, and walk, practically, naked down the long halls as people pass by. There's a passion, and excitement found within these new students that I rarely find in students who have reached the end of their collegiate career. A passion that inspires to not only think more creatively, but to act on those thoughts. To think of a great idea, and put it to work, not caring about whether the product will be fantastic or even accepted positively. Because I am beginning to realize that it is less about how it is received, and more about putting yourself out there. It is more about taking the risk to do something that you really want to do and feel passionate about, and less about the outcome. 

People all over campus talk badly about this dorm in which I live in. I used to be one of those people. And for that I want to apologize. Specifically, if you are reading this, Rebekah, I want to apologize to you for talking bad about Nora when you lived here. My ignorance took hold of me, and blinded my eyes from being able to see the beauty within this building. Yes. Some of the things people say are true. The building creeks and sinks with every step you take. The walls are paper thin, making every conversation perfectly clear, three rooms down. Rancid odors lurk through the hallways, catching you when you least expect it. The bathrooms are, at times, unsightly. The showers flood, and constantly make you fear for your life every time to take the sharp razor anywhere near your leg, wondering how many times you will slip up this time. The rooms come in all shapes and sizes. You may luck out and hit the mansion room on third floor south, or you may end up with the closet. But despite all of this, there is nothing in this world like the community you experience. 

The community hits sharply at first. Especially when you are studying, but everyone else on your hall is singing some classic song on the highest level their lungs will allow. But eventually, when you allow yourself to sit back and look closely, you see one of the most beautiful things you will ever encounter. A group of people, just like you. Not knowing where the next day will take them. Not knowing how they survived the last finals week, or the next; sometimes blacking out an entire month's work of work because it is the only way they know how to stay sane. People suffering just as you suffer. And yet they are putting forth their greatest efforts to make something out of nothing. To give hope where it sometimes seems all hope is lost. To not only see that hand that is flailing desperately over the ledge looking for anything to help pull them back up, but reaching down, grabbing that hand, and pulling the person back onto their feet. These are the kinds of girls I live in community with everyday. The kind  that genuinely care. The kind that intentionally build relationships. The kind that knows it is awkward at times, but are completely willing to bath in that awkwardness. The kind that pray together when the tragedy strikes. The kind that laugh together when things are great. The kind that rejoices together, and mourns together. The kind that sees this world we live in, a world lost in the despair, and speaks life, truth, happiness, and hope. I would not trade this for anything. 

There's something about Snora, and that is something I want to be apart of.

Love Does Wrong?

Love does, right? But if loves does, can love do wrong? Because lately, despite my greatest efforts, my action of which I would call love has seemed to have caused harm. The reactions to my actions have lead me to believe no other conclusion than that my love has done wrong. To me it sounds like a contradiction because I have always believed that as long as one loves, and wholeheartedly displays that love, than one does not do wrong. But, though my intentions are good, my intentions fail and the damage of my actions prevail. These musings of thought have no conclusion, and I wonder, as you must, "Why do I feel the need to write this for the public to see if I have no conclusion?" My answer is that maybe, just maybe, these musings will benefit another. Maybe someone will find comfort in the knowledge that their thoughts, like mine, are not in solitude but in community with my thoughts. And so I leave you with this.

Unfortunately, it is not your intentions that matter. It is your actions. What are your actions? Are they love? Are they hate? Are they spontaneous? Or are they well thought out? Are they selfish? Are they humble? And when you find yourself and I alike to the point to where your loving actions still create damage, know that through grace, mercy, and the willingness to find healing in both I believe that there can be restoration. All you have to do is try. All you have to do is be humble enough to apologize. I mean honestly apologize, and receive the forgiveness. Because frankly, the opposite is just not worth the comfort. Especially if it causes one to perish.

Heartbreak

God has been opening my heart to so many new hurts that someone can go through these past few months. Though I wish I wasn't learning about them in the ways I am, I am grateful for God showing me a little more of His heart. For breaking my heart for what breaks His. For showing me a little more of His ways. For bringing to my attention the wrongs of this world, and for burning a passion unlike any other I had before. Yeah, I wish I wasn't discovering these hurts the way that I am, but would I ever discover them any other way? God thank You for being the everlasting, all-knowing, loving God that You are. Thank You for walking this journey with me. My heart breaks, but I know that I have the almighty God to rest upon when it does.

God walk with those that have revealed to me their heartbreaks, their struggles, their withered hands. Heal them. Love them. Help me to help them. God wrap them in Your arms. Show them that they are not alone. Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit my heart breaks for them, and I wish I could take all of their pain, but I know that I cannot. And so I will rest my faith in You. Knowing that You have them in Your arms. Knowing that You can take it all away. Thank you God. Amen. 

Freed

I'm sure you've all heard this story before. It's the oldest story in the book. Well, technically it's like the third story in the second chapter of the book. What story is this? The story of Moses and the burning bush. It's a pretty simple story. Moses walks by a burning bush that is on fire, but not consumed by the fire. Moses is mesmerized by this and goes to see what this is all about. When he gets to the bush God begins to talk to him. God calls him to "Let my people go!" Or was that Moses to the Pharaoh... Anyways, God calls Moses to go into Egypt and demand that the Pharaoh release the imprisoned Jews.  Then Moses and God go back and forth because Moses doesn't believe that he is the great leader that God is calling him to be. But God knows that he is. Eventually, Moses loses the battle, and goes on to free the Jews from Egyptian slavery. 

Normally this story is told to bring up leaders from the congregation. It's a very inspiring story for those who want to be great leaders, but are afraid they won't add up to their calling. I believe that is a great way to use this story. But this morning as I was reading the story for my daily devotions something else from the story stood out to be. It came from when God was talking to Moses. 

Moses had come to the bush and God instructed him to take off his shoes for he was now standing on holy ground. Then God began to reveal to Moses what He was asking of him. God said "I have observed the misery of my people who are in Egypt; I have heard their cry on account of their taskmasters. Indeed, I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them from the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey..." Exodus 3:7-8 (NRSV)

Look at what God is saying. He has seen the misery of His people. He has heard their cries. He knows their suffering. He has come down to deliver them from their oppressors. Does this sound familiar? It should. God is doing the same for the enslaved Jews as He has done for us. He has seen our misery. He has heard our cries. He knows our suffering. Through Christ He has come down to deliver us from our oppressors; our sins. 

So, who are we going to be? Are we going to be like the Jews and once we're freed only long for the life we once had imprisoned in Egypt? Only long for our life full of sin and no forgiveness? Or are we going to keep our heads pointed to the destination, to the promise. The promise that God will bring us up out of the bad and into the good and broad land flowing with milk and honey. 

We cannot let our sins become our identity. Don't even let it be the ground you stand on. Don't let it be the thing that defines you, waking up each morning wondering, "Will I fall into this sin again?" or "Will I ever not feel like a victim of my past?" Let it be the starting point. The beginning, but not the end. Something important to the progression of the story, but not something that defines the story. Allow it to be a thing of healing, not of torture and identity. But rather allow Christ to be your sole identity. Look forward to the reward, the promise. Just as God has freed the Jews from slavery, He has freed us. 

You are lucky. You are loved. You are beautiful.

Please believe me when I say that I understand the harsh pain that comes with the feeling that you no longer want to live. I've been there. I came so very close to ending my life. You feel many things, three of those being unlucky, unloved, and not beautiful. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your eyes. Look at your mouth. Look at your nose. Look at your face. Look at your body. Look at your arms, your legs. Look at your chest. Watch it move up and down. You see that? That is air moving up and down, up and down within you lungs. Feel it. You are ALIVE. And when you begin to realize how many people in the world don't have that kind of luck you begin to realize just how lucky you truly are. You are lucky. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are alive. You still have purpose. You still have a future. You still have hope.




Like what you read? Check out my other blog "There's a Tide in the Affairs of  Men *College*" !

Finding Our Calling

            One of the hardest things one will do in their lifetime is find what God has called them to do in this wonderful thing He has given us called, life. From the very first day we begin kindergarten we are asked one of life’s most frequently asked questions, “What will you be when you grow up?” Of course, now this question has evolved into its slightly more sophisticated form, “What will you do when you graduate college?” or “What has God called you to do?” From the very first day in kindergarten when our much taller than we are teacher leans down to meet us eye to eye and ask us what we were going to do when we grow up we have felt the strong pressure to figure out what we are called to do for the rest of our life as fast as possible.

            Luckily as a young child this decision seems simple. The typical child’s answers are “I want to be a firefighter.”, “I want to be a princess.” , or “I want to be the president of the United States.” Children find something that seems to make people happy, and they latch on to it as something they are destined to do. For me I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a writer, a musician, a film maker, a professional athlete, a professional motocross rider, a professional skate boarder, a professional roller blader, the first female pro football, and so on. I learned at a very young age that I was very passionate about many things.

In middle school the range of what my peers wanted to do became a little more diverse. Instead of every girl wanting to be a princess, and every boy wanting to be a firefighter or policeman who saves the princess, my peers began to broaden their horizons. Though there were the few who still hung on to the idea becoming firefighters and policemen, the guys were deciding to become doctors, athletes, scientists, and so on. The girls had given up hope on becoming the next in line to royalty, and moved on to becoming doctors, scientists, counselors, make-up artists, actresses, singers, musicians, and so on. Not matter what they chose they all had one thing in common; they chose what they wanted to be based off of their main interest. The kids who loved art wanted to be artists. The kids who loved math wanted to be math teachers. The kids who loved talking to people wanted to be counselors. I however, had so many passions that the list probably could not have fit onto one page. I wanted to be everything, and I could not settle.

            In high school I thought I had figured it out. My first two years I was dead set on becoming an actress. I found everything I ever needed in movies. I found a meaning to be alive. I found a reason to chase after love. I found a reason to love others. When I watched movies I felt like I belonged. I felt like I had experienced a touch of the magic that is within this world. I found everything that I ever wanted, and the people I admired most were those in the movies. So I decided that acting was for me. I decided that I wanted to make a difference and influence others, and this was the way to do it. However, I slowly decided that the likelihood of me making it in the acting world was very unlikely. So the last two years of high school I decided that I was going to be a filmmaker. I was always being told I was really good at it. I had already written a few movie scripts, and had already made a few films about motocross. I was good at editing, directing, filming, all of it. This was my calling. But then my senior year of high school I found the one thing that changed it all, God.

            In my Mission of the Church class we were asked to write a reflection paper about how we came to a sense of calling in our life. In my paper I shared the story of my salvation, and how I came to know God. There is no need to reiterate, but long story short I was lost then I was found. I was brought into the church through a youth group dance group. I stuck around realizing that maybe I would find some of the answers I was looking for at this church, and in this God. I realized that God was the thing I was looking for, the answer to all of my problems. I fell in love with God, and discovered He had fallen in love with me a long time ago. Everything got better. I was hooked. I wanted to get as much as I could from God. Not in a materialistic way, but a spiritual way. I wanted to find out the most I could about Him. I wanted to read every word there is in the Bible, worship God for hours, pray to Him for longer, and listen to preachers tell me about His word with the rest of my time.

            My freshmen year of college I put my idea of what I was called to do into practice as I began to study under the major of Electronic Media and Film. However, halfway through my freshmen year of college I attended a fall retreat with my youth group where God called out to me, and told me that I needed to leave the college I was at. I was torn apart, but I knew God had a plan for me. So I left Towson University, my family’s alma mater that was one hour from home and well known for it’s film program, and I moved to Lee University, a school my family knew nothing about that was ten hours from home with a basically non-existent film program. I slowly began to realize my calling towards ministry.

            To this day I still struggle with the idea that I should still be making films. Makings films is what I love, but so is youth ministry. Films are still where I find that touch of magic in this world. Where I find God, and where He speaks to me. But so is youth ministry. I get the same feeling when I speak to youth in an intimate setting or on stage as I do when I am involve in film, both watching and creating. For now I have decided to major in Youth Ministry and minor in Telecommunications or soon to be Digital Media. I still feel that I am called to do so many things, and it confuses me. I feel that I am to be youth pastor, a filmmaker, and a writer. I do not know how all of these go together, but this is what I feel my calling is.

            In Mission of the Church we have discussed what our mission is in the light of God’s redemptive work through humanity. We are called to praise God with everything we do. We have learned so much in Mission of the Church that has directed me closer to where I should be, but this is what has stuck out to me the most. I may still be torn by what I should do once I graduate, but thanks to this class I am no longer torn about what to do with the rest of my life. No matter what I do after college I know that my calling is to praise and worship God with everything I do, whether that is youth ministry, film making, writing, or all three. I know that my calling is to follow whatever God calls me to do in the same way that I followed His calling that brought me here to Lee University.

            I think some of the wisest words I have ever been told in reference to my calling came from my friend Victoria’s father, Mr. Darrin. I confessed to him that I was struggling with what I should do with my life, and what God’s calling for my life was. He looked at me and put it simple, “I’m still trying to figure that out myself.” At the time I laughed, and moved on, but now I realize he was one to something. Here is a man pretty far in life, not very far for he is still young, but far enough to be a father to a college age daughter and a teenage son, to be an inactive Marine, and to be a business owner of his own construction company, Harvest Moon. Here is a man who has done a lot. He has served in the Marines, done missions work in Haiti and other places, is a father to two children, and owns his own business, but he still does not feel like he knows his calling. I am not sure if we ever do. I am not sure if finding our exact calling is something that we can know as humans. I think we can, through revelations given to us by God, discover what we must do next. Which jobs we must take. Which field of work we must go into. But I truly believe that God does not intend for us to know exactly what we should be doing with our lives until our lives are over, and we meet Him in Heaven.

            For instance, my youth pastor, pastor Brian, thought his calling was to be a youth Pastor. So he pastored at Crosswind Church as the youth minister to Portside Ministries for five years. Then God revealed to him that his calling was to plant a church in North Port, Florida. So now he lives in North Port, Florida serving as the main pastor to the church that he planted. Who knows what he is to do next? Maybe he is to remain there for the rest of his life, but maybe not. We cannot know. We can only predict.

            Finding your calling in life is a lot like a film technique called vertigo. Vertigo is when the cameraman zooms in but moves the camera out, or vice versa. This causes what they call vertigo effect when you can see both the background and the foreground but it is blurry in between. That is how I feel when I think about discovering my calling. I can see where I am beginning and I envision the end, but I cannot see the in-between. It is too blurry.

            So with all of that being said I believe that my calling is to follow God, and praise and worship Him with anything I do. To specify I predict that God is going to use my talents to work with me in youth ministry, film making, and writing. After college I am going to look for work as a youth pastor. I feel a certain call to minister to the youth because that is the age I found God, and needed to be reached out to. I also feel that this is the age where I can really make a difference. I know that not every one of students are going to commit their life to Christ in the way that I might hope and that odds are most of them won’t, but if I can reach out to just one of them my job will be done. However, I am also going to continue writing films, and trying to cast and film them. Who knows, maybe God will call someone to purchase rights to one of my scripts, and they can produce my film. I feel that God has given me a passion for films for a reason. I believe that films are a great way to connect with and reach out to the people of our nation. I hope to one-day make a film that makes a difference; that shows someone the magic of this world and the majesty of our Lord. I am also going to continue to write books. Just as with film making, I believe God gave me a passion and talent for writing for a reason as well, and who knows who I might reach through my books. For all I know making films and writing books could forever remain a means of entertainment for me, or it could one day become a means of employment. I won’t know until it happens, but what I do know is that God is calling me to minister to those around me. I believe that He is specifically equipping me to minister to the youth of our nation for that is where I was found, and that is where many other high school seniors just looking for an answer to all their problems are going to be found. If I am lucky, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to direct them to that answer, and show them the love God has for them the same way my youth pastor did to me not too long ago so that one day they will find their calling for life that God has for them just like I believe I have done.

         We may never know our calling, but we can rest in the knowledge that we are called to serve God. Pray to Him. Ask Him to lead you in the way of His plans, and you will go places you never imagined. Worship and praise Him in everything you do, and you will be fulfilling your call. Overall, do not worry too much over what you are going to do when you grow up, and worry more about what you are going to do now. For now is all that we are promised, and now is all that matters. 

Like what you read? Check out my other blog "There's a Tide in the Affairs of  Men *College*" !