Lately, I have been struggling with a lot, and I just do not understand it. It seems like I get myself up, and up, and yet somehow I find myself down again. I recently posted about feeling like a failure. Though, this is still something I struggle with and am getting better at, this is not what I am talking about this time. I am talking about feeling this way spiritually.
I keep having great worship services, or just the sermons alone. Yet, even in the worship service I feel like I am forcing myself to get into things, but I am still not truly feeling it completely. Then other times I feel like I feel it completely, but I still have not gone back to the effortless ways of before. The ways of worshipping that I owned. Just jumping into the song in a manner as if I have been worshipping for hours all ready. Leaping into God's presence as if He were all ready there, and I just needed to join in. That use to be my worship experience. Every time. Now I feel like I am the one who is here, and I just cannot find where God is. I know that He is near, but I cannot find Him. I cannot open my eyes. I want to jump in, but I do not know where to jump.
Worst of all however, I have fallen back into my old ways. I have fallen into a self-hatred, to a cry for help that has led me to ways that are not good for me. I do not understand why sometimes. Sometimes I completely understand why I do so, and those times have been the easiest for me to deal with. Incredibly hard, but easier to deal with than the other times. Times when I feel alone, times when I feel terrified, etc. Those times are when I am most vulnerable, but I have realized that and have developed a defense system that has allowed me to stop myself before I do anything. To those wondering, it is something that I have created through the advice of people close to me. At those times I turn on my worship music, pray to the Lord, and tell the darkness that it has no place. No place in my home, no place in my room, no place in my family, and most importantly no place in my heart. However, the most difficult times are the "sneak attack" times. The times when I do not feel alone. Or at least that is what I think. The times when I do not feel terrified. Or at least that is what I think. In those times I feel fine, yet, all of the sudden I find myself in trouble with myself. Those have been the most difficult times for me. The times when there was no time for me to defend myself from myself.
Most of all I am confused and lost. So lost that I do not even know why I am lost, or how I got here, and most importantly, how I am going to get out.
This all reminds me of the times before I found the Lord. It all still seems so crazy to me, and probably will until the day the Lord brings me home.
I have always been so lost. I have never felt like I fit in, anywhere. I have tried looking for answers, and ways to escape my reality. I have looked so many places.
I looked to bullying. Feeling that if I tortured someone than somehow that would get back at all of those who tortured me. I may not be able to beat those who beat me, but at least I could beat someone. I strengthened my muscles, and grew tough. I did not care who you were, or whether or not you actually did anything to deserve what I did. I did not care about your story. I hardened my body, and I hardened my heart. I wanted someone to destroy me, destroy me so badly that all of this would stop. But no one ever fought back. I never let them. I picked on those who did not deserve it. Those whose hearts were above fighting. I was too blind to see. This failed me. It did nothing for me. It never stopped anyone from hurting me or abusing me. It just made me the same as those who harmed me, and eventually I realized that. And when I did I could not handle it. I stopped. Bullying was not the answer.
I looked to drugs. I thought if I cannot fight my way out, then I will blind myself. If pain is in my life's forecast, then I will numb myself. Luckily, this never got "too" serious, but what can you really consider to be "too" serious. If you ask me, any drug is "too" serous. Drugs and alcohol never did anything for me. It solved nothing. The pain was still there. The torture was still there. It was all still there. It was just deeper in my skin now. Drugs failed me. It did nothing for me. It never stopped the pain. It just made me dumb, and stupid, and worthless. Even more worthless than I all ready was. And when I realized that I stopped. Drugs were not the answer.
I once tried turning to sex, but to be honest, no one wanted anything like that from me. I was too cold hearted, and tough looking, and not really attractive. Those who did take it from me, I never wanted them to, and never asked for them to, but they did. Luckily, no one ever stole my purity, meaning my virginity, I still have that, but some have come close. Too close. I have said it once before, but I will always say it again. I realized that that was wrong. Sex before love, before marriage, before discovering who you are is wrong. It is discovering each other, relationship, love, marriage, then sex. That is the only way it works, trust me. If you believe otherwise, you are just doing it wrong. Sorry, but that is the truth. Sex or things close to it failed me. It did absolutely nothing for me. It never stopped the pain or cured the heartache. It just made me feel worse, and unloved. Those people will forever haunt me. And when I realized that this was all wrong, I stopped. Sex was not the answer.
Finally I turned to self-harm and suicide. I once saw a drama involving many sins. It was performed by the middle school drama team at our church. It showed a girl who started getting involved with many sins. I cannot remember the order exactly, but I do remember that towards the very end were two sins, self-harm and suicide. That hit me hard. At the very worse end of the spectrum were two sins that I have committed, and still struggle with. The day before my first youth service on a Wednesday night, which is a bible study group, I struggled with this really hard. I was trying to find a way to commit suicide. I was done. With everything. With abuse. With my past. With my unforeseen furture. With being tortured everywhere I went. With life. I thank God that no one in my family owns a gun, or at least one that can cause a fatality, and if they do that I know absolutely nothing about it! That night I thought over in my head what I could do. I could take apart the razor in my bathroom. I could take a knife from the kitchen. I could go wreck my car. I could stand in the middle of the road. All these things, and I was so close. One thing stopped me. At the time I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of death. So much that as soon as I was about to give up and get out of my bed to attempt suicide I suffered a major panic attack that exhausted me so much that I feel asleep, or passed out, I am still really not sure. The very next night I attended that youth service, and I found this amazing group of people. I had known them for a while for they had welcomed me in, and asked me to join their dance group. They did not know it, but dance was something I loved, but had given up. Dance was something I had for myself. Something I was good at, but no one else was. However, I came to a point in my life where I just gave up. I gave up on my grades. I gave up on keeping my room clean. I gave up on keeping myself clean. I gave up on everything, including dance. I think the only thing I did not give up was sports, and that is because my dad did not let me, and I am thankful for that. When I gave it up, I lost all of that dedication I had put into dance, and lost my talent. So asking me to join this dance group was the perfect way to reel me in. They did not know it though, they just did it. When I went to the youth service the pastor was talking about those who had brought you to Christ. How they did it, and how much of an impact they had had on your life. Then he shared a story with us. One I will not share because it is personal, but I related to that story. So much that I thought he was calling out to me. I thought he was speaking straight to me. I was weirded out. I began going over and over in my head how the heck he could have known all those things about me, but came to a realization that there was no way. That is when I knew this was for me. Even to this day they help me with my struggles with turning to self-harm. Self-harm has alway failed me. It has done NOTHING for me, and never will. It never stopped the pain, NEVER. It never fixed my problems, NEVER. It never made anyone love me, NEVER. It never did ANYTHING for me. Self-harm and suicide is NOT the answer!
There is only ONE thing I have ever found that has ever done anything for me, and you may not believe me, but I promise you I am telling the truth! The ONLY, ONLY thing that has ever done ANYTHING for me is Christ and the Lord. Nothing else has ever done ANYTHING for me, and nothing else ever will. Christ and the Lord is the answer, and the ONLY answer! Nothing else ever matters! I promise you! Those who are lost, He is the ANSWER! Stop looking in any other direction, you will not find any other answer, but GOD! I promise you! And the thing is now you are held accountable! Whether you like it or not, you can no longer say that you did not know about the answer, because I am telling you the answer, and in case you have not picked up yet, the answer is GOD! If for some unforeseen reason, and heaven and God forbid, but you are to lose your life tonight, you cannot say to God that you did not know, because you know now! That was something I had never gotten before. My pastor once told me this in a youth service on Saturday, and no one else had ever told me before. I wish someone would have said this to me when I was younger, because it may have made a difference. If you have been told that He is the answer, you cannot say that you never knew. Realize that this is NOT about your life, but about your eternity. Eternity lasts SO much longer than your life, you can count on that! So start focusing more on your eternity, and less on your life! All you out there settling down in your comforts, thinking that you do not need to worry about God because you just want to live your life the way you want to, and maybe someday when you are older you will make it right, stop! You cannot take that comfort. You are not promised old age! Stop living your life "the way you want to" because I promise you once you find the way life is with the Lord, that "way you want to" live is no longer the way you want to live anymore! Trust me once you have tasted even the littlest piece of life with Christ, you will never want to go back. If you ask me, those of you who say, "I have lived life with Christ, and I know God, and they did nothing for me" you NEVER really, truly did know God then, and you NEVER really, truly lived with Christ because if you had you would never say that. There is nothing better! Trust me. You cannot know the real Lord and the real Christ and think that they have done nothing for you, or that there is nothing better.
God has plans for each and every one of us, but they cannot be fulfilled if we do not trust in Him, and believe in Him, and leave it all to Him. I know this! I know how hard this is too.
A year ago I found the people who lead me to the best thing to ever happen to me, Christ and the Lord. Then they took me to places I never thought I would be. They took me to Teen Talent. They took me to Lee University in Tennessee. They took me to Camp Meeting. They took me to Ohio. They took me to Winterfest. They are taking me on a mission's trip. They took me to church! Through them I eventually became saved on 7-7-11 four days before my 18th birthday, and followed up with becoming baptized on 9-4-11. Because of them I have spoken to many about the Lord, in a formal way, in a crazy way in which I am still not sure what I said, and in an everyday way to those I come into contact with. Because of them I have worshipped the Lord both on and off the stage. Because of them I have come out of my comfort zone, and am still everyday coming more and more out of my comfort zone.
Last year I was convinced that I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. I was going to graduate from Towson University with the financial aid from my parents, and working summer jobs. I was going to major in Film. I was going to do film and make movies for the rest of my life. I am still convinced that I am somehow going to be involved with movies, but I am still not sure exactly how. My point is though, that I had it all figured out.
Then our youth group went to a thing called, "Fall Retreat" at a place called Camp Hashua. We went there and had an amazing experience growing closer to God and each other. I talked to someone for the first time about something serious that had happened in my life, all though I really did not do much talking. However, that was the first stepping stone of realizing that I cannot bottle up my issues. Though I would be lying if I said I did not still struggle with that anymore. At the end of the retreat all of the youth leaders lined up and began praying for us. Many of them prayed that I would find what I was suppose to do in life.
Backtracking: For a few weeks one of the youth leaders was leading a young adult group. In that group he spoke about a book called "Wild Goose Chase". He talked about how the book challenges you in a way that you may become completely lost as to what to do with your life. Every time I heard him say this I thought to myself, "This is crazy, this will never happen to me."
Back to Hashua: So the leaders began praying that I would find what I was suppose to do in life. I thought to myself, "Thank you, but I all ready have that figured out." Then I got to the guy who lead the young adult group, and he prayed the same prayer. I began to think the same thing. Then all of the sudden God crashed down on me, and told me that I was wrong. He told me in the way that God speaks to us, that I was not meant for Towson, and that film is a huge passion of mine that I should and will still follow, but not my main destiny, and that my main destiny cannot be fulfilled within the Towson campus. I immediately knew that this was due to the fact that Towson's campus was not Christian, and did not offer Christian courses. This would also mean a greater tuition cost which would cause my parents not to be able to support me. So the cost would be all on me. I broke down. It did not help that to end the prayer chain, my Pastor and his wife began praying for me. I do not know what it is about those two but just looking into their eyes brings tears to my eyes, and every time they lay a hand on me to pray I am either left speechless and still or balling my eyes out. That was a balling my eyes out moment. As soon as my Pastor was done praying for me I walked over to the wall and collapsed down. I began praying to God. I was completely confused. I had no idea what to do or what to pray about, and that confusion stayed with me even when we arrived home.
That day was a Sunday. I stayed at church that whole day. I did not know what to do, but I knew that I could not go home yet. I just sat there, still. I just starred, at what, I had no idea. I just sat there and starred for hours, hoping that an answer would just come. Finally, it grew dark. I walked over to my car, leaned against it, and began praying. I broke down. I began asking God why? Why not Towson? Why not film? Why is this happening? Why now? Then I began begging Him for the next piece! I wanted the next piece! I needed the next piece! All I knew was not Towson. But if not Towson, then where? All I knew was not film. But if not film, then what? Then I broke down again. I began freaking out, and I did not even know why. I was so confused. I was wondering how did I even get there? I am not who I once was. Just like the lyrics in "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North, except different. I was better than who I once was, but I was SO confused as to how I got there. How did I become this person that is lying on pavement of a church parking lot begging God to show me the way? And yet I still kept begging Him. But God kept reminding me of something my pastor once taught us. God only gives us our purpose in pieces. If He were to show us our purpose in full spectrum, we may never accomplish anything. He kept reminding me, only one piece at a time. And every time I begged for the next piece, He refused until finally I grew weary. I texted my pastor's wife as I only knew how, and asked her if we could talk sometime, and she said sure anytime just let her know. I grew disappointed because I knew that would never gain the courage to make the decision, and I have this stupid thing that for some reason I cannot get past, and I still do it. I did it today, being Sunday, at church. Whenever anyone asks if I am okay, I immediately say yes, even though I am not. Whenever anyone asks what is wrong, I immediately say nothing, even though that is not true. And as they walk away I try to get myself to tell them to come back, but for some reason I cannot. Luckily, however, God was on my side as He always is. That Tuesday I messed up on the video, as I often do, and I had to go in and fix it. (Maybe this film thing is not for me...) I was also working on a video for my pastor's wife for her new drama called "GOD". She came in to where I was to talk to me about the video, and then used that time to talk to me. I shared it all with her. Then she lead me from there. She suggested that I look into Lee because it is a great school. I immediately thought, "No way." We had gone there over the summer, and it was amazing. However, because of that EVERYONE wants to go now, and I was not about to jump on the bandwagon. However, every other school that I checked out did not appeal to me. Finally, I gave Lee a second chance, and I fell in love. Then came the hard part, trying to explain to my parents why I was about to leave a great school and something I love, to go somewhere to do something I knew nothing about because I felt like God was telling me to. It was hard, but somehow I did it, and I still do it often when my parents need reminders. Overall though I learned that I just needed to trust in God. I just needed to be still in faith that God has plans for me, plans that are far better than the plans I have for myself. I just needed to trust that as I long as I move when He tells me to move, speak words that are influenced by Him, and take every step by the power of the Lord, He would piece everything together, and in time He would show me the next piece.
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