Failure

Lately, I have been feeling like a failure. I have been failing everything and everyone. I have been failing my family, my friends, God, my church, school, money, LIFE, everything. No matter where I turn, no matter how much I accomplish my failures haunt me. My computer is broken which is yet another thing I cannot afford. My car still needs to be fixed, and to add to it I got into a small accident Tuesday morning that may have caused more damage. I am no where near being able to afford college, gas, food, car and computer repairs, my mission's trip, LIFE, anything. I really need a job, but cannot find time to do it which is a really dumb thing to say because I know a ton of people who are much more busier than I am and work multiple jobs. I have a "D" in one of my classes. I feel like I am falling short, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a member of the youth ministry, as a volunteer, as a musician, as a body of Christ and the Lord, I even feel like I am falling short of and failing myself.

As a friend I just feel like I am not being good enough. I feel like I am not able to be there for my friends or to make them happy. As a daughter and a sister I feel like I am not trying hard enough to reach out to my family. As a member of the youth ministry, especially as an intern, I feel like I am not doing enough. I feel like I am leaving people out. I feel like I am allowing myself to get too wrapped up in my own problems, and not enough in others' problems. I feel like as a volunteer I have allowed myself to become too lazy. For example, I use to do SO much for the Media Department of our church, and now I feel like I do not do enough to even be considered a volunteer. Falling short as a musician bothers me the least. I love playing piano, drums, and guitar, but lately I have been trying to learn/focus more on drums and guitar. However, I have been having a hard time finding time for practicing. I have SO much I want to learn, but no time to learn it. Which is my biggest issue with money and anything right now, finding time. 

As a body of Christ I feel like I have been failing everywhere. As a friend I am not being an example of Christ, always loving, never judging, and putting my friends before me ALWAYS. As a daughter/sister I feel like I am not being enough of a light in the darkness. As a volunteer I am not doing so eagerly or humbly enough. I want it to be obvious that I am ALWAYS ready and eager to be a servant, waiting for something I can do for others. 

I completely understand that servant work can be small or big. Big meaning mission's trips like the one I am about to go on. Small as in things that can be done every day... paying for someone's food, gifts, taking out the trash, cleaning for others, etc. Most people have servant work backwards if you ask me. Most believe that they have to go on mission's trips, mostly around the world, to make a difference or change the world. I believe that is it the "small" servant work that makes a difference or changes the world. Think about it. That "small" work has an effect. 

This makes me think about my youth pastor and his wife. Whenever I am at their house I try to do something for them. Wednesday nights when the youth is over their house I try  to pick up trash that others left, take the trash out if it's full, not to leave or make a mess, and things like that. When I babysit for them I do things like when the kids are asleep or watching a movie I try to clean their house up in any way I know how. If I see something out of place and I know for sure where it belongs I will put it away. If I hear Jacqueline say she wishes so and so would be done I try to get in done. A thing about me is I hear things when people think they are talking to no one, or they think no one is listening. This is because I slip random parts of my own life that I really want to talk about, but do not want anyone to hear, in between conversations. I have learned that sometimes people ask but do not listen, and this is when I share, knowing that no one will hear. So I know when to listen, and hear the desires of people's hearts when they think they are talking to themselves. If Brian or Jacqueline asks me to help with dinner I am more than happy to do so. If they ask me to make lemonade, I will figure out how to make lemonade, and try to my best ability to do so. I would and will do anything they tell, suggest, or ask of me. They have done SO much for me, and I could never deserve it. Pastor Brian once spoke to the youth about receiving an extravagant gift that we could never pay back or deserve. I said for me that was my bedroom. This is true, but Pastor Brian and Jacqueline are my extravagant gifts as well. I could never deserve them. Besides that, I do this work for them because I know how busy they are. Whether I really make an impact or not, I like to think I do.

Say that Jacqueline is having a bad day, and she comes to youth on Wednesday night and sees the mound of trash and becomes stressed out. Then I take the trash out. That stress, as small as it may be, becomes relieved. Now she is more willing to talk to others, spend time with her family, etc. The web of consequences to our actions can never be seen or predicted.

To explain this in a better way... Someone once pointed out to me that we never truly know how many souls we save. Say we save one soul, let us name him, John. John saves Peter. Peter saves Lily, Megan, and Mark. Lily saves Brittany. Megan saves Ashleigh. Mark saves Steven and Tyler. Brittany saves Caroline. Ashleigh saves Cara. Steven saves Josh, Ben, Chris, Jacob, and Darla. Tyler saves Robert, Brian, Roman, Christa, Becky, and Victoria. Now because of the ONE soul we saved, John, TWENTY-ONE souls have been saved. Therefore out of a web of reactions we have saved TWENTY-TWO souls, including John, even though the only person we ever truly met was John. This is also not taking into consideration that we never know the plans God has for the people we save. What if Peter, the man saved by John becomes a pastor and saves thousands of souls, now thousands of souls are saved all because John saved Peter, and we saved John. My point with this is that this is how I believe "small" servant work works. You do something good for one person, and it will spark them to do something good for another, and so on. This is why I believe it is the "small" servant work that is important. You never know which person that you spark up by helping them out will explode into helping millions! You never know, you might be that person!

Now back from that tangent... I just feel like I am falling short of everyone. 

Recently, I went to "Lee Day", an event held by Lee University, the school I intend on joining next fall. I got the chance to take my dad along with me. I was really excited! I was especially excited to show a little bit of the Lord and Christ to my father. However, that was not much of a success. Though I did however, get him to say that he enjoys Lee's campus, which is a HUGE step, I could not get him to enjoy things like worship. I felt like I failed my dad, myself, and God. But then God laid these words in my head, 

"What I may see as a failure, may be a victory in the making."

Though I may think I failed my dad, I actually planted a seed that may grow later in life. I remembered that God has a plan for everyone. I was reminded of the verse that was written on the front cover of my bible.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan for my dad, and maybe that weekend, exactly how it was, is exactly what my dad needed.

Often, we beat ourselves up more than needed. I know, I do it all the time. We become hard on ourselves because we are suppose to be the body of Christ, we are made in the image of God, but here is the thing we forget and miss... We are made in the image of God, but not made to be God. We are taught at a young age, whether Christian or not, "Nobody is perfect, except God." So why do we get so upset when we are not perfect? We should strive to be like God, but sometimes that means forgiving ourselves in the same way that God has forgiven us. 

In the Message Matthew 18:6-7 it states, "Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse." You are bound to fail in life, but do not turn your failures into darkness, turn them into light. Do not dwell on your failures! That only turns you to darkness, to self-hatred, to away from God! Instead allow your failures to fuel you, to encourage and motivate you to do better. Learn from your failures and move on. 

Dr. Paul Conn at Lee University told us "College is not an escalator, it is a stairway." He told us that we must pull ourselves up each step, and not stand there expecting someone or something else to bring us up. This is the same with life. However, sometimes in life your stairways leads downward. You are still pulling yourself forward, but for some reason you find yourself going downward. In this case change your perspectives, and your stairway will turn back over, and lead you upwards again. 

For instance this stair way leads down....

... but change perspective and the stairway leads up.

Learn to celebrate your accomplishments more. I know personally I often forget to recognize what I have done right, but I put my failures in the spotlight. Right now I have aced all my exams in my Art History class, I have an "A" is my Computer Science Class, I have a "B" in my Philosophy class, but in my mind none of this matters because I have a "D" in my American Government class. However, instead of allowing that "D" to bring me down, I should change my perspective, and allow that "D" to fuel me and motivate me to study and read more. If you find yourself overwhelmed by your failures remind yourself more of your accomplishments. Hang post-it notes on your mirror reminding you of your accomplishments. This way every time you see yourself, you see your accomplishments, and therefore you will not view yourself as a failure. Keep a checklist, and check things off as you complete them. Constantly remind yourself of your accomplishments. This sounds strange, but we always remind ourselves of everything we fell short of, but never stop to recognize what we accomplished. Start celebrating your accomplishments more, and your failures less.

Lastly, do everything with and for God. Someone once told me that if you do everything for God you can never be wrong because you are doing it for God. This is so true. Make everything you do with and for God and you can never fail. A really great verse is Matthew 19:26 (MSG) "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

1. So just trust God, and do everything with and for God

2. Celebrate your accomplishments more

3. Change your ways and perspective





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