Man's Search for Meaning; Sandy Hook

I was reading a book this morning that was given to me by my Psychology professor. The title is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It's a book written by a survivor of the Holocaust on the psychological mind set of a prisoner. Within the book Frankl speaks on a prisoner's mindset when he was finally freed. He explains that some of these men, men who have suffered some of the greatest sufferings known to mankind, come out not with the mindset that since they have suffered no one else should suffer like them, but rather that because they have suffered in the way that they have they can let anyone else suffer because they have the right to.

My heart still breaks for those in New Town, Connecticut. My fear as I read this book is for those children and adults involved. I fear that if their grief and sufferings are not treated correctly they will have this mindset. They can make others suffer as much as they want because they have suffered. 

It is this mindset that creates people like the gunman at Sandy Hook. They suffer and feel others should suffer with them. 

"No one has the right to do wrong, not even if wrong has been done to them." -Frankl

Here is a man who has suffered some of the worst sufferings known to man, and even he can recognize that no one has the right to do wrong, even those who have been wronged.

As a Christian I cannot help but be thankful that our savior, Jesus Christ, did not have this mindset. That he agrees with Frankl. For if he did not agree with Frankl how would we be living? He has been wronged in so many ways, yet he shows us all mercy. 

I just hope that none of you see this as an act of God. It is not an act of God. It is an act of evil. Be reminded that God blessed us with the ability to choose our actions. And with that unfortunately comes sin and evil. God will be here to heal us, but he cannot keep us form making the wrong decision. Look to Him for guidance, and not as a person to blame. 

Honestly, I am not exactly sure where I am going with this. I just felt the need to say this. I continue to pray for the families in Connecticut. I pray for grace and mercy. I pray for the parents who will never get to send their child to school again. I pray for the families of the teachers who lost their lives. I pray for the school, that it can rise up again. I pray for the community that it can rise up again. I pray for the gunman's family that they find answers, and that they don't experience too much hatred. That people remember they are suffering as well. I pray for those poor children who saw their friends as they walked out of the school for help. I just pray. Please do not forget them. Do not allow them to be forgotten. For those of you who pray continue to pray. For those who don't just do whatever you can to keep things like this from happening. 

Look out for people like this man. Love them. Speak to them. Calm them. Get them help. 

On my way home from church this morning I heard the song "Boston" by Augustana. It says, "You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah, she said, you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains." As these lyrics were sung I couldn't help but think of this man. This gunman that walked into a school. I must admit that anger towards him still lingers within my heart, but I also have to admit that I feel God spoke to me with these lyrics. "You don't know me, you don't even care." How many people do you pass by in the hallway that you don't know. That you know nobody knows them. They're alone and it's obvious. "You don't know me, you don't wear my chains." Just talk to them. I promise you, you can make a difference. If you don't think so read this story. The Story of Kyle. If you still don't think so, talk to me. Email me. I am walking evidence of the effect people have when they just choose to talk to you. 

Please, as my pastor asked us today, let go of your hate. Even if it is small hatred. Because we sit here and wonder how this guy could do something so horrible. The truth is it all starts with hate. First we hate someone. Then we can't stand them. Then we want to hurt them. And before we know it we're talking to the cops saying that we don't remember anything. We just remember being angry. 

Please, I ask again keep Sandy Hook in your prayers, and don't let them be forgotten. Let go of your hatred. Let go of the mindset that you can harm because you have been harmed. Begin a new legacy right now. Just because you have suffered does not mean that those after you have to. You can change things. So do it. Don't just stand by as other gunman and suicides are in the making.




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Be Careful

Be careful of  the girl dressed down 

because she doesn't believe she's worth a crown

Be careful of the girl with scars 

for she will do herself harm

Be careful of the girl with bruises on her neck and face, 

for she says it's from sports, but it's her father's belt and shoe lace

Be careful of the boy you laugh at in the locker room 

for his father has a gun, and he's going to use it soon

Be careful of the girl who limps, 

because her life is harder than your's

Be careful of the boy who's weird, 

because he'll soon own all your stores

Be careful of the words you say, 

for they bring life and death

Make sure that you always breathe 

a living breath

Hold your tongue unless you have 

something life giving to say

For it will be you, boy or girl 

receiving it one day




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Gift of Life

The gift of life is truly amazing. I know that you have probably heard this millions of times before, and some of you are probably annoyed by it. But I feel the need to bring what may be a different perspective onto it for some of you. 

Some of you do not view life as an amazing gift. Some of you do, but wish that your's had altercations. I wish my hair was straight. I wish my eyes were blue. I wish I was tall. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish I could have kids. I wish I did not have homework. I wish someone liked me, and so on. These are things that run through people's minds everyday. For some of us this burden of a different life becomes too strong to handle, and we try to get rid of it. We slash our wrists. We hang ourselves. We shoot our brains. We drown ourselves. So on. You know the stories. You have heard of the kids who took their lives before they even knew what living was. You have heard of the troubled men and women who have given up. You have heard of it all. To some of you you cannot even fathom it. To some of you these stories ring too true to your own. What I want to say, even being someone who has struggled with this myself, taking away life is a terrible thing. Even if it is yours. 

Not all of us may believe in God. But most of us know that we are here for a reason. To some of you what I am about to say may have no significance to you. You may care less about what I have to say, but I ask that you read this anyway, and see if it makes a difference. 

I believe that we have a creator, and His name is God. The greatest thing that God has ever done for us is give us life. One night I laid in my bed, and began think of why I was even here. I began to question God, and why He put me here. I began to think that I should just quit. Give up on life, and take it away from myself. But then God spoke. 

I began to realize that life truly is, as I have already said, the best gift ever given to us. Imagine the best gift you have given, or could give, someone. The most extravagant gift that takes so much effort and time on your part to give to someone. Imagine the happiness and joy you gain from giving not only this gift, but so much of yourself with it. To some this is just a diamond ring accompanied by the words, "Will you marry me." To some it is more materialized as in a house or a car. Now granite I am going to simplify a much more complicated situation, but that is not to say that it does not make sense or ring true. 

Say I spend years saving up and preparing to buy a house for someone who needs it. This is no ordinary house. Not only did I put so much of myself into it, but this house is amazing. Stone on the walls, huge kitchen, huge rooms, everything ever wanted/needed. Basically a mansion. Even a pool with a walkway underneath to look up at those swimming. It is AMAZING. I want to keep it for myself, but instead I want to give it to someone very special. Maybe my parents, my sister, someone else in my family, or maybe even someone in need. So I do. Say my parents, just because mostly everyone can relate to that. I bring them to the house. I am excited. I have been preparing for this moment for years. They look at it. They love it. They begin to walk around, and experience it. Walking through each hallway with excitement. But then they begin to become a little less excited. The garage only fits three cars, but they have four. The hallway is painted red like the house of one of my mother's former boyfriends when she was younger, which brings back bad memories. The kitchen counters are a little different then the color they like. Eventually they turn to me and say that they do not want it anymore. How am I to react? What do you mean you do not want it? It's for you! It's fits you perfectly. The color of the counter is different because it brings out mom's eyes the way dad likes them. The garage only has three car doors because it allows mom to show off her car when she wants, but when it rains it can be switched with dad's minivan. The red hallway is filled with pictures of our family, which is to make mom realize what she has gotten for waiting for the right relationship as opposed to sticking with the former boyfriend. It is perfect. It is for you. It was meant for no one else but you. 

This is a little bit how God looks at us. Life is the biggest, most extravagant gift He has ever given to us. He meant it for us, and only us. It is perfect. It breaks His heart for us to think otherwise. And when we give it away it tears Him apart. A piece of Him dies with you. He invested Himself in you. He made you in His image. He spent a long time on creating you, not only nine months, but the years it took to line up anyone who ever had a part in the relationships of your elders that came together creating a lineage that lead to YOU. He has planned on you and the things you have done, and will do, for the entire existence of this earth. You have a place. He not only loves you with everything He has, but He wants you to accept and enjoy this gift, and most importantly, never give it away.




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Fears vs Dreams

Today I took the time to sit down and write out my fears and my dreams. It's something I have been wanting to do for a while but haven't really gotten myself to do it. It's a great exercise that allows you to vocalize (by writing it down) all of your fears and dreams. It's a form of motivation. A motivation to make sure none of my fears come true and all of my dreams do.

So here's my list....   What does your look like?

Fears:

That I will be a terrible mother.
I will miss my calling
I will give up on my dreams
My children won't know they're loved
Death
Heights
Loneliness
Being deserted
That I will cut myself again
No one will care about me
I will never find someone to love me
I will settle
I will become the person everyone wants to be as opposed to the person God wants me to be
I will give up on God
No Love

Dreams:

I will be a great mother
I fulfill my calling
Be involved with film
Have an impact on the world
Inspire someone
Raise a man out of my sons
Raise a woman proud of herself out of my daughters
I never settle
I find an amazing man for me and my children
Speak in conferences
Be confident
I will become the person God wants me to be
I will NEVER give up on God
Love




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I Had a Dream

So today I want to write to you about a dream I had. Do not worry the dream is just the spark of the writing I have today. Basically, within my dream I was performing a dance with a friend of mine at a social hangout event kind of thing. My friend and I rocked it. At the end my youth pastor's wife, Jacqueline, was there, and said to someone, "What a testimony, she came here because of dance, and now look at her." The dance was some sort of hip hop dance that spoke on struggling with sin. My friend, and amazing dancer, was playing the role of sin. As another one of our friends (no idea who) was above us, playing God. Later on in my dream my friend and I performed it on stage in front of my church. Then at the end the Pastor asked me to explain why we performed it. I told him, "I had a dream about us performing this dance," (the dream I with us performing at the social event) "and thought that we should actually do it. In my dream, Jacqueline told someone that it was a testimony about where I have come." Then I went on to say everything that I am about to tell you. Of course in my dream it was  very short, and hard to understand, because you rarely ever make sense in a dream. 

I told the audience of why my dance was a testimony.

Me coming to church all started with a dance crew at our church. A friend of mine told me about this dance crew at his church that was going to compete at "Teen Talent", and asked me to take him to their practices. "Teen Talent" is a competition where youth from churches go to perform many different talents, such as dancing, singing, instrumental, art, dramas, and so on... I agreed to do so because I loved dancing, and was interested in what they were going to do. When I got there I would usually watch them as they put together their dance. I would sometimes give them input on how they should do something. To them I probably was the creepy girl that just watched them dance. To me I loved watching them. Eventually I could not help, but want to dance to. So in the corner of the room, as they were dancing, I would perform dancing exercises that I learned a while ago. Eventually, a kid in the group, named Tyler, walked over and asked me to join their dance crew. Nothing was the same since. 

To everyone else in the crew, the thing was a disaster. We got to team talent and did a pretty bad job. The routine was awesome, but some of our dedication lacked. To me however, it was still the best thing to ever happen to me. I had so much love and heart for it that I was blind to the fact that we may not have done so well, and I still am. I constantly want to bring the crew back together, but no one else seems to be interested. I am always in situations within my life where my heart and dedication levels are above all the rest. With the dance I went home almost every night practicing my part of the routine. But this is true with others things, writing movies and books, making movies, sports, and so many other things...

Though to the world my heart is small, to me my heart is BIG. I have so much heart and passion for so many things. Growing up I had a lot of heart for softball! My Varsity year my couch sat me down before he made final decisions about that year's roster. He sat me down, and told me that I had to make a choice. He told me that I had a spot on the team, however if I was on the team I would be riding the bench the entire season. He said that he would understand if I chose not to be on the team. I looked at him and said, "None of that matters, I want to be on the team." I knew that team was great, and I was not about to miss out on anything. I thought for sure we were going to win states, but unfortunately we did not. That does not mean that I regret any second spent on that team. I still stick to my word by saying it was an amazing team, and I am so proud that I was a part of it. 

Just like with dance, in softball I always took my dedication home. Even in the recreational leagues. If we did not have practice I would go home and do my own three hour practice. One year I broke my ankle, but I still came to every game. I had too much heart for the sport to not want to be there. So many people always question me on the things I do. Why are you always 15 minutes early or more to things? Why do you care so much? Why do you think we are so good, when we've lost almost every game? Well my answer to the last one is I always see potential, not reality. But to the rest, I do not always have an answer. I just do it because I love to. Maybe it is a control thing. But it is also just because I love the things I do in such a way that I want to get there early, and put %120 into it. To those of you who have a relationship with God, Amen. I am going to talk to you in a second. To those of you who do not. Please message me. Talk to me. I want to tell you about how AMAZING your life can be! I won't flood you. I won't be scary. I just want to talk to you. I will only answer questions when asked. Meaning I am not going to regurgitate biblical lessons and verses at you, I just want to talk. I am not saying that with God you will find perfection, that is not true. Anyone who has ever told you that is lying. They are hypocrites. I am not saying that you should hate them for it. I am saying you should love them because they need it. They need to see what they are missing when they claim perfection. They are missing out on a true relationship. Because those who believe they are perfection are lacking a relationship with God. Because a relationship with God is built on our imperfection, our need for Him to help us. Those who are inside a church should be broken. That is why God is here. But please believe me. Though you will be broken, with God even brokeness is AMAZING, and the only way to understand that is to go through it. So please message me, talk to me. 

To those who have a relationship with God, these little things that I do. Being 15 minutes early or you are late. Giving %150 (notice how it always increases). Trying to always be smiling. All these things help God. On my softball team when we just lost and all of the girls are so angry they are going to look at me and wonder why I am smiling the way I am. When the girls go to practice, and realize I was there before the coach even got there. They are going to wonder about me. I am purposefully being different so that people wonder about me. But different in a a good way. Do not be creepy. That never gets people wanting to know more about me. But I am different, in a good way, so that people start asking questions, and when they do I can tell them that I have God on my side. I can tell them about He who makes me so different. So try your hardest everyday to be positively different. 

Then in my dream I went on to talk about my testimony. I told them about how my testimony is all about how God is present in your life, and caring about you before you even know who He is. I shared with them about how in my childhood (without going into too much detail) I suffered through a lot of things. Mainly abuse, in all sorts of ways. Physical, emotional, and sexual. I talked about a boy I knew that to me was like the brother I never had, and how he took advantage of that relationship with me.  I told them about how, even though it came close, he never took my virginity. I told them about how at the time all I could see was that I was so disgusting, so much a piece of dirt, that this man who destroyed me did not even want all of me. The thing is when you are so far in the darkness it is next to impossible to see any kind of light. At that time I could only see flaws within me. I could not see that it was not that I was flawed, but rather that God was looking after me, even then. Even when I knew nothing of Him. Then I discussed how I in reaction went on a tried so many ways of dealing with it. One of which I would lure guys in, mostly in a public situation where everyone could see. I would take them back so we were alone, make them think that we were going to do something. Tempt them, but then do nothing with them, I could never get myself to do anything. By that time I was strong so I was able to fight them off if they tried anything. But I would be lying if I said that some guys did not still do something. It was a risk I took. That is how I saw it. At the time I could only see that the something inside of me that stopped me from doing anything was just me playing them the way that many people had played me. What I see now is that it was God calling out to me, begging for me to stop. Begging me to keep myself pure. To turn to Him instead of all the things I turned to. I told the audience, "What is messed up is that I came to moments where I was so close to having my virginity stolen from me. From my best friend. From the guys I lured in that were ultimately stronger than me. From all of these people, and yet I have never been kissed." 

Then I addressed all of the women in the audience. 

Here is the thing. If a guy does not kiss you before he does anything else it is because he does not care about you or love you, no matter how much he says he does. This is not to say that just because a guy kisses you, he loves you. What I am saying though, is you need to see past all of the physical crap guys want you to do, because none of it means love to them. There is a saying, "Girls give sex to get love, Guys give love to get sex." Then I remember, I kind of went on a rampage. If they touch you knowing you do not want to be touched. They DO NOT love you. If they says things to you that seem controlling. THEY ARE! I don't want you wearing black because you look gothic. I don't want you hanging with those people they are un cool. I don't want you wearing make up, it attracts other guys. I don't want you hanging with other guys. Why do you hangout so much with your friends, and not me? These are not the words of someone who loves you. Jealously is not attractive. All of you girls out there do not settle for boys. Do not even settle for men. Do not settle. Find a guy who is worth having such an amazing women like you. When I say boys I do not mean boys in the way that puberty or whatever defines it. You can be 30, and still be a boy. Most of guys out there are still boys because that is the way society raises them.

This is why I always wanted to have a son. Because one day I want to raise a man, not a boy, a man. My son will hold doors for girls. My son will pay for meals. My son will be respectful. My son will dress well. My son will be humble. My son will know God. I saw something on Pinterest the other day that said, "Boys will be boys or so the say, but I'm raising my boy to be a man one day. Shouting is not nice and kicking hurts. Nobody likes their face in the dirt. So boys that fight, kick and shout will be boys that sit in TIME OUT!" I enjoy this so much because the "Boys will be boys" attitude is so much like society today. Society has come into a way of parenthood where it is less parenting and more accepting. Accepting that they have sex at age fourteen. Accepting that because of that they are now pregnant. Accepting that they can just get rid of the baby before or after birth. Accepting that they get into drugs. Accepting that they do not want to go to college, or get a job. Accepting that they are still boys and still girls. Accepting that they do not treat anyone nice. Accepting not parenting. Just saying things like "Boys will be boys". "They're going to have sex no matter what." "They're going to drink, so it might as well be in my house where I can watch over them." Have we given up that much on people today? So much that we cannot believe that boys can become men? That kids can sustain from having sex. That teenagers can choose not to drink. There are people like this that exist today. There are teenagers who choose not to drink! Believe it! There are people who wait til marriage before they have sex. There are men out there! They are all rare, not because that is the way of life, but because you made it that way! Girls who complain there are no good men out there, how many of you have brothers or even sons that are still boys? Raise them to be men, and one day good men will not be so rare. Start raising your children. Stop letting boys be boys. 

And girls stop letting boys take you, and break you. It does not have to be that way. If you keep giving in the boys will have no reason to become men. Why would they need to, when they can still be boys and get you. Give them a reason to start wanting to be a man. 

For me, I have never had a boyfriend. But I have been on a few dates. And I have been on the other end where there is no need for a date. But I woke up. I woke up to a better reality. A reality with a God. A reality where there are men, and I need to ask for them. I cannot ask for a man, and yet still settle for a boy. It will never happen that way. If you settle for boys, your man will never come. If I am on a date and the boy does not hold my door, strike one. If they do not at least offer to pay for my meal, even when they have no financial way of doing so, strike two. See for me I will pay for my own meal. I am not ashamed, but you have to give him the chance to be a man and offer. A great person named Gianna Jensen once said at a conference that we need to start letting our men be men. Stop trying to be men for them. Let them hold the door, let them pay for your meal. I hold doors for people, but that is my way of being polite. It is not to say that if a man came up to me and asked to hold the door I would say no. In fact sometimes I hold the door waiting to see if a man would do so. Often they fail the test. But I cannot hold that against them. So raise your boys to be men, and girls find a man, not a boy. 

I do not really have a great poetic way of ending this. This was just a rant based off of a dream. But I guess I can end it by being like Martin Luther King Jr. and saying, "I have a dream." I have a dream where parents will stop basing their parenting off of acceptance, and more off of holding their children to a higher standard. Believing in their children that they will meet that standard. I have a dream where boys become men, and girls wait for their men to come. I have a dream where people who struggle stop struggling, and realize there is a God waiting for them to find Him. Waiting to help them. Waiting to wrap them in His arms. I have a dream where I leave this world a better place.




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Going Under: Rising Back Up

All these monumental moments that all point to my next step/part of life are rolling in like waves that crash on the ocean's shore. I completed my first year of college. It has been a year since I graduated. My younger friends, not all of them, but the ones that I have grown up with trying to mentor or set an example for, realizing that I failed miserably when I was younger, but trying to make up for it as I grow older, are graduating. Did you catch all of that? How is it that these kids that have been like babies to me  my entire life, even if they are just a year younger, are receiving their diplomas and moving away from home? How did they get there? How did I even get there? My friends that are attending the same school I am transferring to are graduated, and for some reason it makes the fact that I am about to move hours away so real. My pastor and his wife are beginning to pack away their things. Moments that I thought would never come have come and gone like they were never there. Days that use to go by like years now go by like seconds. Years turned into months, months turned into weeks, weeks turned into days, days turned into hours, hours turned into minutes, and minutes turned into seconds so that now years seem to just be seconds. Seconds that are fleeting away. Where has time gone? Where is it going? This is all happening so fast that the waves seem to be taking me under. Is it weird to say I like it though? Is it weird to say that feeling of being taken under kind of excites me, and makes me want to learn what is waiting under there for me. I am really going to miss this place, but I am excited to see what is waiting for me. It is like I know that I am about to be ripped under. I know that it is about to get hard, and difficult, and devastating. I know that I am going to feel like I am being taken under. That I am drowning. That I will never come back up. But I know there is something waiting for me when I go under. And I am going to rise again. And when I do I will rise up stronger than ever before. I cannot wait. I am terrified, but I cannot wait. I may feel like I am drowning, but I will not. I am just going to fall under for a few moments in time, and rise back up like never before! 



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Our God is Greater

"Our God is Greater" is a song that I think I can say most Christians are aware of. I said it in that way because I often forget that the things I am most familiar with are not always the same things others are most familiar with. For instance, the song, "How He Loves" means a great deal to me. Often I think it means a great deal to everyone, but not everyone has the same experiences I do. The song means so much to me because my youth group's drama team performed an amazing human video to it that saved and changed my life. Anyways, the song, "Our God is Greater" is well known. The song says, "Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. Our God is higher than any other. Our God is healer. Awesome in power, Our God. Our God." I used to sing this with my arms outstretched just praising God, not knowing what this song would soon mean to me. Now the song brings me to tears for it has taken a whole new meaning.

Right now I am not very stable. My life has kind of gone into turmoil, not visibly but internally. I am suffering from things that I cannot even understand or wrap my mind around. This in return has made it very difficult to talk to anyone about it, even more difficult than before. Whenever anyone tries to get me to talk I shut down or try to change the subject even if all they asked was how I was doing. I am fighting an internal battle, and that in itself is making it worse. So I want to encourage those of you out there who are like me to talk to someone! I mean this with complete sincerity! I may not know how to save myself, but for some reason I still can and still know how to save others. That is what is keeping me going. I may no longer know how to pray for myself, but I still know how to pray for others. So I must still have faith. I must still have a reason to be here. I cannot leave and leave behind everyone here who needs my help. There is a God listening. What hurts the most is I know He's calling for me. He wants me to pray for myself, but for some reason I cannot. I can speak the words, but my heart is not within them. But when I pray for others my heart is there. I still believe in others. I still believe in God's ability to move and do amazing things, but in other people's lives. It is not that I do not see Him moving in my own, for I do. I see Him doing many things. I do not understand why, but He does. He is responding to my prayers even if I am not. I just cannot get my heart to go along with my words. So please let me save you! Hear me out! Speak to someone! Do not be like me! For even I know that I am wrong.

I keep dwindling further and further down until I fear that I will not be here. To some of you this may be confusing. Good. I do not want you to understand the exact meaning of that statement, but just understand it generally. The only thing keeping me going now is God. This does not exclude people. In fact I rely on people. God shows up through people. So think twice before you exclude the one who is dwindling. You mean more to them now than ever before. If you desert them it may appear to them that God has deserted them. And believing God has deserted you, even though He never will, can spell trouble, trouble noone could even fathom. All that keeps me going now is fear of Hell and knowledge of God's plans. I know God has plans to prosper me. I know there is light. I know I will conquer this, WITH GOD, if I can just hold on.

So this song has a whole new meaning to me. I am no longer solely praising God, but believing and praying whole-heartedly. My God is GREATER than any evil or circumstance. My God is STRONGER than my will and my thoughts. My God is HIGHER than any other, and will always prevail! My God is HEALER, and He will heal me inside and out! He is awesome in POWER! With Him, and with Him alone, will I make it through. I may have lost myself a little, but if I stop fighting to come back, if I give up completely on God, I am done. In all senses of the word, I am gone. OUR GOD IS GREATER! I believe it! If I did not, I would not be here.



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Skating By

Do you ever find yourself trying to see how far God will take you? Now I do not mean in the sense of, "Let me see how long God will actually be there for me?" or "I want to see how far God will raise me up." Because God will always be there for you, and God will never stop raising you up. What I mean is do you ever coast by in life praying prayers for Him to mend your mistakes, or make up for your laziness? "God I know that I did not study, but I really need to pass this class so that I can go on and do great things for you. Please forgive me and bless this test so that I get a good grade." "God I know I need a job right now, but I cannot find time. I want to spend my time honoring you with sharing your word with people on the streets, and reading my bible. I have no time for a job. So could you please help me out and find me a way to get money for food tonight?" Prayers like those. I have no doubt in my mind that God will help you. He has helped me in times like this. God will never let you down. That is a promise I can make, and keep forever. You have my word. However, I wonder how many times we let Him down? How many times do we find ourselves not studying becuase we know that when we pray to God to "bless the test" He will answer? How many times do we not go out and look for a job, because we know that when we ask God to do so He will provide? How many times do we coast on by, letting God have our back, when we do not do anything but let Him down? He will always be there for you, but why be so undeserving? We will never truly deserve God's love. That is a fact. But that should NEVER stop us from trying. So, God will help you in school, does this mean you should not study? No. Just because God is helping you does not mean He approves. Think about it. Think about everytime anyone has ever let you down. Anytime you had a project at school and the one kid who did not put in any effort, but still recieves the "A" the rest of the group deserved. Think about the kid next to you in class who cheats off your work. He still gets the same grade you do, but without all the work. Think about every time you have been let down. Now think about how many times you are doing that to God. Think about how many times you bring Him to tears because you will not put in the work.

Mark Batterson writes, "And isn't it just a little ironic that the Israelites were complaining about one miracle while asking for another one? Their capacity for complaing was simply astounding, and we scoff at the Israelites for grumbling about a meal of manna that was miraculously delievered to their doorsteps every day, but don't we do the same thing?" - Mark Batterson (Circle Maker)

How do you expect God to trust you with those big things if you do not even put the work in to conquer the little things? How can you expect God to give you the amazing miracles you want and demand when you will not stop taking the little miracles for granted?

If someone cheated off of you in class and skated by off of your work you would be upset. You would see that, though they got the same grades, it was because of you, and they were ungrateful. They just relied on you. They knew that you would always be there, and they could always cheat off of you. Then one day they came up to you with a proposition. Their family just discovered some incredible debt, and they may have to sell their house. Their mom is a single mom, works three jobs, and they have three other siblings. You know that he needs help. You can see that. Your family is rather wealthy, and can afford to lend a helping hand. He asks you to do so. He promises that if you allow him ,he will work hard for you, lawn work, house work, any work you need in order to earn money. How are you to trust that he will work hard? How are you to trust that he will come through for you? He cannot even do simple work in his classroom, how is he going to have the determination to move mountains for you? I cannot imagine how God thinks, but if I had some insight I would say this is how He looks at me. I feel like He has some major things in store for me. However, if I slack off, if I coast by in life, and do not start getting my act together how is He to trust that I will have my act together when he needs to count on me? How is He to not think that I will not just coast on by thinking that He will take care of it. Yes, God can take care of it. As my pastor simply put it, "God does not need us." However, as he also explained, God may not need us, but He chose to use us. So, therefore in the huge world-changing ways that God plans to use us, He cannot count on someone who wants to just coast on by thinking, "Oh well, God will take care of it for me."

It does not surprise me that some people think this way. Afterall, God is our father. How many times have you come to a predicament where you thought, "Whatever, my parents can take care of it." You get in a small accident in your car, and create a minor dent. "Whatever, my parents can fix it." You get asked to go to the movies. "Sure, I'll just get money from my parents"And so on. This is how some of us treat our father in heaven as well. However, our father in heaven told us one very important thing, "Honor thy mother and father." If you ask me, treating your parents as a back up plan is not honoring them at all. So why do we do it? Most importantly why do we do it to God? That is not honoring Him at all. Yet, we expect Him to pull through. And yet, He still does pull thorugh. Even if we do not deserve it. That is the power of the Lord. However, just because that is the power in the Lord, does not mean we should take advantage.

Stop taking advantage of God. Show Him that you are meant for the calling He has planned for you. Start putting forth the effort. Stop praying for Him to make up for your laziness, and start acting so that there is nothing for Him to make up for. Start striving to deserve His love.


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Reasons Why You Should Not Let Laziness be an Excuse

Lately, I have been finding myself turning a lot of things down. I do not wnat to read that book. I do not really want to read their blog. I do not want to study. I do not want to put in the extra effort. I do not want to make myself a blanket. And so on. So I stopped and asked myself, "Why?"

I came up with a lot of excuses, but found my main excuse. That book is too long. That blog goes on forever. I do not want to do work that is not necessary. Making a blanket takes forever. Basically, I am letting my laziness get to me. It is blinding me from seeing things. That book is great, and may have some great insight for life. That blog is full of answers, and I would not want someone to pass my blog entries up simply because of its length. That blanket will supply me with warmth, and when I am done I will feel accomplished. I promise you that if you do not let laziness interfere, you will gain so much!

Just the other day I was walking to a friend's house with another friend of mine. He found what appeared to be a shortcut, but we could not be sure. He asked me to follow, but I said no. I just wanted to go the sure way, and not waste time. But he refused to give in, so I gave in. Come to find out it was a shortcut. Not only that, but a great shortcut. It was an amazing testimonty to God's beauty within nature. We even saw ducklings swimming behind their mother in a river. I know, "So what? It is just ducklings." You have to learn to appreciate the "small" things in life, otherwise how are you to be able to appreciate the "big" things in life when they come? How can God trust you with the big if you do not even want the small?

Proverbs 12:24

"The diligent find freedom in their work, the lazy are oppressed by work." (MSG)

Proverbs 13:4

"Indolence wants it all and gets nothing; the energetic have something to show for their lives."  (MSG)

Indolence- The quality or state of being slothful.

Proverbs 20:4

"A farmer too lazy to plant in the spring has nothing to harvest in the fall." (MSG)





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A Very Long Status

(This is a Facebook status of mine that I posted) (Hence the title)

In life we come to times where there are things we do not want to do. Reasons for that are fear, laziness, lack of time, lack of knowledge, or we know that it is wrong. The only thing from that list the only thing that I can see as a good reason is knowing that it is wrong. Fear can be overcome. Trust me, when I say that I am pointing to myself. Laziness is never the answer, and gets you no where. Lack of time. Well, that is a hard one. If something is so important your time can be manipulated. However, time is an intricate balancing act of trying not to overdue yourself, but also trying not to miss out on opportunities. Lack of  knowledge. That is just ignorance. To those who do not know, no ignorance is not the act of being rude or inconsiderate, but actually a state of not knowing. Being ignorant does not mean that you are dumb, but rather that you have not had access to certain information, and therefore do not know. Anyone can obtain knowledge. Lack of knowledge can be cured by reading books, searching the web on reliable sources, schooling, or just listening to those around you. Sometimes it is as simple as listening to the children. The young ones especially. If they learn something they feel has never ever been known in the entire span of the universe (even though it was taught to them by someone else) they are SO eager to tell you. Yes, maybe, nine times out of ten they are telling you something you all ready know, but just wait there will be a day when they tell you something you have never known before. If you have a question, ask somebody. Find an answer. Lack of knowledge is easily cured.

Too often we pass things up because they look too difficult. That book is too long. I want to read that person's blog, but each time they post it is like their publishing a book. I bet you that most people are not even reading this status because it is too long. I want to be a doctor, but that is a lot of work. I want change the world, but I do not think it can ever be done. To those who believe that, I think that is a total lie. You do not need to do much to change the world. Every action has a web of reactions. You do one good action, and that action will impact others. Say you just simply write something. Something that means something. Someone else reads it. They become inspired. They do something great. This action/reaction can propel you to save the world with one random act of kindness each day, or just one thing each day, nothing huge. It can be done. To all you out there, that are letting these things stop you, I encourage to stop letting them. Life is SO short if you really think about it, and we only get ONE shot at this. So why waste it with laziness. Why waste it like we can always come back and redo it. I constantly have to remind myself of this. Today even, I have to write a paper for one of my classes. I do not want to do it. It really hard, and I am not sure if I am really going to do well on it. I have a ton of time on my hands today, and all that I can think about accomplishing today is writing my paper, and picking up a kid from his school to take him to daycare (this is my only source of money). Why though? Why am I wasting this time? I do not get this day, ever again! I can do something as simple as read my bible, which to some of you means nothing, but to me it means a lot. The power in reading my bible can change the world. I know this. I can write one of my books today, I have several that are "in progress" that I know I need to pick back up. On that note, I can do the same for my movie scripts. I could spread the word about some great cause. I could go out on town, and just have a great day. I could find job! Hey, that is a crazy concept! I could apply for scholarships. I could do something with myself! Best of all if I go "out on the town" I could do something else for someone. I could find someone who needs, and actually make a difference today! To all of you who do not want to read the longs things, or take the long, difficult paths of life, I encourage to do so. You never know what you might find. Sure, that long book, or status, or post, may just be a waste of time, or it may just not be. If it is that long, often someone put some time in it. Meaning, they did not make it that long just for the heck of it. So put in that extra effort, and find that something that is in the more difficult parts of life. That is why they are so difficult. "Nothing in life worth having comes easy." -Dr.Kelso (From Scrubs) (Originate off of a quote by Andrew Carnegie) All the treasures, meanings, and things like that of life come from those things that are "too difficult". So make the extra strive to do them. Do not waste this time that has been given to you. You are lucky, for there are others in this world who did not  or are not going to make it to this moment, but you did, so make something of it.







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"How Did I Get Here, I'm Not Who I Once Was."

Lately, I have been struggling with a lot, and I just do not understand it. It seems like I get myself up, and up, and yet somehow I find myself down again. I recently posted about feeling like a failure. Though, this is still something I struggle with and am getting better at, this is not what I am talking about this time. I am talking about feeling this way spiritually. 

I keep having great worship services, or just the sermons alone. Yet, even in the worship service I feel like I am forcing myself to get into things, but I am still not truly feeling it completely. Then other times I feel like I feel it completely, but I still have not gone back to the effortless ways of before. The ways of worshipping that I owned. Just jumping into the song in a manner as if I have been worshipping for hours all ready. Leaping into God's presence as if He were all ready there, and I just needed to join in. That use to be my worship experience. Every time. Now I feel like I am the one who is here, and I just cannot find where God is. I know that He is near, but I cannot find Him. I cannot open my eyes. I want to jump in, but I do not know where to jump. 

Worst of all however, I have fallen back into my old ways. I have fallen into a self-hatred, to a cry for help that has led me to ways that are not good for me. I do not understand why sometimes. Sometimes I completely understand why I do so, and those times have been the easiest for me to deal with. Incredibly hard, but easier to deal with than the other times. Times when I feel alone, times when I feel terrified, etc. Those times are when I am most vulnerable, but I have realized that and have developed a defense system that has allowed me to stop myself before I do anything. To those wondering, it is something that I have created through the advice of people close to me. At those times I turn on my worship music, pray to the Lord, and tell the darkness that it has no place. No place in my home, no place in my room, no place in my family, and most importantly no place in my heart. However, the most difficult times are the "sneak attack" times. The times when I do not feel alone. Or at least that is what I think. The times when I do not feel terrified. Or at least that is what I think. In those times I feel fine, yet, all of the sudden I find myself in trouble with myself. Those have been the most difficult times for me. The times when there was no time for me to defend myself from myself. 

Most of all I am confused and lost. So lost that I do not even know why I am lost, or how I got here, and most importantly, how I am going to get out. 

This all reminds me of the times before I found the Lord. It all still seems so crazy to me, and probably will until the day the Lord brings me home. 

I have always been so lost. I have never felt like I fit in, anywhere. I have tried looking for answers, and ways to escape my reality. I have looked so many places. 

I looked to bullying. Feeling that if I tortured someone than somehow that would get back at all of those who tortured me. I may not be able to beat those who beat me, but at least I could beat someone. I strengthened my muscles, and grew tough. I did not care who you were, or whether or not you actually did anything to deserve what I did. I did not care about your story. I hardened my body, and I hardened my heart. I wanted someone to destroy me, destroy me so badly that all of this would stop. But no one ever fought back. I never let them. I picked on those who did not deserve it. Those whose hearts were above fighting. I was too blind to see. This failed me. It did nothing for me. It never stopped anyone from hurting me or abusing me. It just made me the same as those who harmed me, and eventually I realized that. And when I did I could not handle it. I stopped. Bullying was not the answer.

I looked to drugs. I thought if I cannot fight my way out, then I will blind myself. If pain is in my life's forecast, then I will numb myself. Luckily, this never got "too" serious, but what can you really consider to be "too" serious. If you ask me, any drug is "too" serous. Drugs and alcohol never did anything for me. It solved nothing. The pain was still there. The torture was still there. It was all still there. It was just deeper in my skin now. Drugs failed me. It did nothing for me. It never stopped the pain. It just made me dumb, and stupid, and worthless. Even more worthless than I all ready was. And when I realized that I stopped. Drugs were not the answer. 

I once tried turning to sex, but to be honest, no one wanted anything like that from me. I was too cold hearted, and tough looking, and not really attractive. Those who did take it from me, I never wanted them to, and never asked for them to, but they did. Luckily, no one ever stole my purity, meaning my virginity, I still have that, but some have come close. Too close. I have said it once before, but I will always say it again. I realized that that was wrong. Sex before love, before marriage, before discovering who you are is wrong. It is discovering each other, relationship, love, marriage, then sex. That is the only way it works, trust me. If you believe otherwise, you are just doing it wrong. Sorry, but that is the truth. Sex or things close to it failed me. It did absolutely nothing for me. It never stopped the pain or cured the heartache. It just made me feel worse, and unloved. Those people will forever haunt me. And when I realized that this was all wrong, I stopped. Sex was not the answer.

Finally I turned to self-harm and suicide. I once saw a drama involving many sins. It was performed by the middle school drama team at our church. It showed a girl who started getting involved with many sins. I cannot remember the order exactly, but I do remember that towards the very end were two sins, self-harm and suicide. That hit me hard. At the very worse end of the spectrum were two sins that I have committed, and still struggle with. The day before my first youth service on a Wednesday night, which is a bible study group, I struggled with this really hard. I was trying to find a way to commit suicide. I was done. With everything. With abuse. With my past. With my unforeseen furture. With being tortured everywhere I went. With life. I thank God that no one in my family owns a gun, or at least one that can cause a fatality, and if they do that I know absolutely nothing about it! That night I thought over in my head what I could do. I could take apart the razor in my bathroom. I could take a knife from the kitchen. I could go wreck my car. I could stand in the middle of the road. All these things, and I was so close. One thing stopped me. At the time I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of death. So much that as soon as I was about to give up and get out of my bed to attempt suicide I suffered a major panic attack that exhausted me so much that I feel asleep, or passed out, I am still really not sure. The very next night I attended that youth service, and I found this amazing group of people. I had known them for a while for they had welcomed me in, and asked me to join their dance group. They did not know it, but dance was something I loved, but had given up. Dance was something I had for myself. Something I was good at, but no one else was. However, I came to a point in my life where I just gave up. I gave up on my grades. I gave up on keeping my room clean. I gave up on keeping myself clean. I gave up on everything, including dance. I think the only thing I did not give up was sports, and that is because my dad did not let me, and I am thankful for that. When I gave it up, I lost all of that dedication I had put into dance, and lost my talent. So asking me to join this dance group was the perfect way to reel me in. They did not know it though, they just did it. When I went to the youth service the pastor was talking about those who had brought you to Christ. How they did it, and how much of an impact they had had on your life. Then he shared a story with us. One I will not share because it is personal, but I related to that story. So much that I thought he was calling out to me. I thought he was speaking straight to me. I was weirded out. I began going over and over in my head how the heck he could have known all those things about me, but came to a realization that there was no way. That is when I knew this was for me. Even to this day they help me with my struggles with turning to self-harm. Self-harm has alway failed me. It has done NOTHING for me, and never will. It never stopped the pain, NEVER. It never fixed my problems, NEVER. It never made anyone love me, NEVER. It never did ANYTHING for me. Self-harm and suicide is NOT the answer!

There is only ONE thing I have ever found that has ever done anything for me, and you may not believe me, but I promise you I am telling the truth! The ONLY, ONLY thing that has ever done ANYTHING for me is Christ and the Lord. Nothing else has ever done ANYTHING for me, and nothing else ever will. Christ and the Lord is the answer, and the ONLY answer! Nothing else ever matters! I promise you! Those who are lost, He is the ANSWER! Stop looking in any other direction, you will not find any other answer, but GOD! I promise you! And the thing is now you are held accountable! Whether you like it or not, you can no longer say that you did not know about the answer, because I am telling you the answer, and in case you have not picked up yet, the answer is GOD! If for some unforeseen reason, and heaven and God forbid, but you are to lose your life tonight, you cannot say to God that you did not know, because you know now! That was something I had never gotten before. My pastor once told me this in a youth service on Saturday, and no one else had ever told me before. I wish someone would have said this to me when I was younger, because it may have made a difference. If you have been told that He is the answer, you cannot say that you never knew. Realize that this is NOT about your life, but about your eternity. Eternity lasts SO much longer than your life, you can count on that! So start focusing more on your eternity, and less on your life! All you out there settling down in your comforts, thinking that you do not need to worry about God because you just want to live your life the way you want to, and maybe someday when you are older you will make it right, stop! You cannot take that comfort. You are not promised old age! Stop living your life "the way you want to" because I promise you once you find the way life is with the Lord, that "way you want to" live is no longer the way you want to live anymore! Trust me once you have tasted even the littlest piece of life with Christ, you will never want to go back. If you ask me, those of you who say, "I have lived life with Christ, and I know God, and they did nothing for me" you NEVER really, truly did know God then, and you NEVER really, truly lived with Christ because if you had you would never say that. There is nothing better! Trust me. You cannot know the real Lord and the real Christ and think that they have done nothing for you, or that there is nothing better. 

God has plans for each and every one of us, but they cannot be fulfilled if we do not trust in Him, and believe in Him, and leave it all to Him. I know this! I know how hard this is too.

A year ago I found the people who lead me to the best thing to ever happen to me, Christ and the Lord. Then they took me to places I never thought I would be. They took me to Teen Talent. They took me to Lee University in Tennessee. They took me to Camp Meeting. They took me to Ohio. They took me to Winterfest. They are taking me on a mission's trip. They took me to church! Through them I eventually became saved on 7-7-11 four days before my 18th birthday, and followed up with becoming baptized on 9-4-11. Because of them I have spoken to many about the Lord, in a formal way, in a crazy way in which I am still not sure what I said, and in an everyday way to those I come into contact with. Because of them I have worshipped the Lord both on and off the stage. Because of them I have come out of my comfort zone, and am still everyday coming more and more out of my comfort zone. 

Last year I was convinced that I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. I was going to graduate from Towson University with the financial aid from my parents, and working summer jobs. I was going to major in Film. I was going to do film and make movies for the rest of my life. I am still convinced that I am somehow going to be involved with movies, but I am still not sure exactly how. My point is though, that I had it all figured out. 

Then our youth group went to a thing called, "Fall Retreat" at a place called Camp Hashua. We went there and had an amazing experience growing closer to God and each other. I talked to someone for the first time about something serious that had happened in my life, all though I really did not do much talking. However, that was the first stepping stone of realizing that I cannot bottle up my issues. Though I would be lying if I said I did not still struggle with that anymore. At the end of the retreat all of the youth leaders lined up and began praying for us. Many of them prayed that I would find what I was suppose to do in life. 

Backtracking: For a few weeks one of the youth leaders was leading a young adult group. In that group he spoke about a book called "Wild Goose Chase". He talked about how the book challenges you in a way that you may become completely lost as to what to do with your life. Every time I heard him say this I thought to myself, "This is crazy, this will never happen to me."

Back to Hashua: So the leaders began praying that I would find what I was suppose to do in life. I thought to myself, "Thank you, but I all ready have that figured out." Then I got to the guy who lead the young adult group, and he prayed the same prayer. I began to think the same thing. Then all of the sudden God crashed down on me, and told me that I was wrong. He told me in the way that God speaks to us, that I was not meant for Towson, and that film is a huge passion of mine that I should and will still follow, but not my main destiny, and that my main destiny cannot be fulfilled within the Towson campus. I immediately knew that this was due to the fact that Towson's campus was not Christian, and did not offer Christian courses. This would also mean a greater tuition cost which would cause my parents not to be able to support me. So the cost would be all on me. I broke down. It did not help that to end the prayer chain, my Pastor and his wife began praying for me. I do not know what it is about those two but just looking into their eyes brings tears to my eyes, and every time they lay a hand on me to pray I am either left speechless and still or balling my eyes out. That was a balling my eyes out moment. As soon as my Pastor was done praying for me I walked over to the wall and collapsed down. I began praying to God. I was completely confused. I had no idea what to do or what to pray about, and that confusion stayed with me even when we arrived home. 

That day was a Sunday. I stayed at church that whole day. I did not know what to do, but I knew that I could not go home yet. I just sat there, still. I just starred, at what, I had no idea. I just sat there and starred for hours, hoping that an answer would just come. Finally, it grew dark. I walked over to my car, leaned against it, and began praying. I broke down. I began asking God why? Why not Towson? Why not film? Why is this happening? Why now? Then I began begging Him for the next piece! I wanted the next piece! I needed the next piece! All I knew was not Towson. But if not Towson, then where? All I knew was not film. But if not film, then what? Then I broke down again. I began freaking out, and I did not even know why. I was so confused. I was wondering how did I even get there? I am not who I once was. Just like the lyrics in "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North, except different. I was better than who I once was, but I was SO confused as to how I got there. How did I become this person that is lying on pavement of a church parking lot begging God to show me the way? And yet I still kept begging Him. But God kept reminding me of something my pastor once taught us. God only gives us our purpose in pieces. If He were to show us our purpose in full spectrum, we may never accomplish anything. He kept reminding me, only one piece at a time. And every time I begged for the next piece, He refused until finally I grew weary. I texted my pastor's wife as I only knew how, and asked her if we could talk sometime, and she said sure anytime just let her know. I grew disappointed because I knew that would never gain the courage to make the decision, and I have this stupid thing that for some reason I cannot get past, and I still do it. I did it today, being Sunday, at church. Whenever anyone asks if I am okay, I immediately say yes, even though I am not. Whenever anyone asks what is wrong, I immediately say nothing, even though that is not true. And as they walk away I try to get myself to tell them to come back, but for some reason I cannot. Luckily, however, God was on my side as He always is. That Tuesday I messed up on the video, as I often do, and I had to go in and fix it. (Maybe this film thing is not for me...) I was also working on a video for my pastor's wife for her new drama called "GOD". She came in to where I was to talk to me about the video, and then used that time to talk to me. I shared it all with her. Then she lead me from there. She suggested that I look into Lee because it is a great school. I immediately thought, "No way." We had gone there over the summer, and it was amazing. However, because of that EVERYONE wants to go now, and I was not about to jump on the bandwagon. However, every other school that I checked out did not appeal to me. Finally, I gave Lee a second chance, and I fell in love. Then came the hard part, trying to explain to my parents why I was about to leave a great school and something I love, to go somewhere to do something I knew nothing about because I felt like God was telling me to. It was hard, but somehow I did it, and I still do it often when my parents need reminders. Overall though I learned that I just needed to trust in God. I just needed to be still in faith that God has plans for me, plans that are far better than the plans I have for myself. I just needed to trust that as I long as I move when He tells me to move,  speak words that are influenced by Him, and take every step by the power of the Lord, He would piece everything together, and in time He would show me the next piece.





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"Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"

It is weird to think about how big your family can become within a short amount of time. People wonder how parents can love each child with the same amount of love. I am beginning to undertand. I look at a picture of those I consider to be closest to me. There are about 30 plus of them, most of which I did not even know until this past year. Yet, I look at each one of their faces with the same loving eyes. I look at each one of them, wondering what they are doing, what they are going through, what wrongs I have done them, and most of all how much I going to miss them when they are gone.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder..." Jason Zebehazy

Most people think that this is just something couples in long distance relationships tell each other to comfort themselves, but I believe in it. I think this sorrowful feeling I get whenever I see those I love, the one that brings tears to my eyes when I see their faces, the feeling I can only label as missing them, I think this feeling is my heart crying out. My heart trying to tell me that soon they will not be a part of my everyday life. Soon I will shed tears because I miss them, but that time is not now. Now is the time to love. Now is the time not to waste. Now is the time to let the heart grow fonder so that when the distance comes, well, it never truly comes. Instead, I might never see their face, or embrace them, but I can still hear their voice and read their words, allowing them to feel closer than ever before.

Do not stumble over the future that has not come so much that you distance yourself even when you are physically close, but instead leave the future to the future and live in the present. Have peace in knowing that God has plans that are far better than your own.





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Failure

Lately, I have been feeling like a failure. I have been failing everything and everyone. I have been failing my family, my friends, God, my church, school, money, LIFE, everything. No matter where I turn, no matter how much I accomplish my failures haunt me. My computer is broken which is yet another thing I cannot afford. My car still needs to be fixed, and to add to it I got into a small accident Tuesday morning that may have caused more damage. I am no where near being able to afford college, gas, food, car and computer repairs, my mission's trip, LIFE, anything. I really need a job, but cannot find time to do it which is a really dumb thing to say because I know a ton of people who are much more busier than I am and work multiple jobs. I have a "D" in one of my classes. I feel like I am falling short, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a member of the youth ministry, as a volunteer, as a musician, as a body of Christ and the Lord, I even feel like I am falling short of and failing myself.

As a friend I just feel like I am not being good enough. I feel like I am not able to be there for my friends or to make them happy. As a daughter and a sister I feel like I am not trying hard enough to reach out to my family. As a member of the youth ministry, especially as an intern, I feel like I am not doing enough. I feel like I am leaving people out. I feel like I am allowing myself to get too wrapped up in my own problems, and not enough in others' problems. I feel like as a volunteer I have allowed myself to become too lazy. For example, I use to do SO much for the Media Department of our church, and now I feel like I do not do enough to even be considered a volunteer. Falling short as a musician bothers me the least. I love playing piano, drums, and guitar, but lately I have been trying to learn/focus more on drums and guitar. However, I have been having a hard time finding time for practicing. I have SO much I want to learn, but no time to learn it. Which is my biggest issue with money and anything right now, finding time. 

As a body of Christ I feel like I have been failing everywhere. As a friend I am not being an example of Christ, always loving, never judging, and putting my friends before me ALWAYS. As a daughter/sister I feel like I am not being enough of a light in the darkness. As a volunteer I am not doing so eagerly or humbly enough. I want it to be obvious that I am ALWAYS ready and eager to be a servant, waiting for something I can do for others. 

I completely understand that servant work can be small or big. Big meaning mission's trips like the one I am about to go on. Small as in things that can be done every day... paying for someone's food, gifts, taking out the trash, cleaning for others, etc. Most people have servant work backwards if you ask me. Most believe that they have to go on mission's trips, mostly around the world, to make a difference or change the world. I believe that is it the "small" servant work that makes a difference or changes the world. Think about it. That "small" work has an effect. 

This makes me think about my youth pastor and his wife. Whenever I am at their house I try to do something for them. Wednesday nights when the youth is over their house I try  to pick up trash that others left, take the trash out if it's full, not to leave or make a mess, and things like that. When I babysit for them I do things like when the kids are asleep or watching a movie I try to clean their house up in any way I know how. If I see something out of place and I know for sure where it belongs I will put it away. If I hear Jacqueline say she wishes so and so would be done I try to get in done. A thing about me is I hear things when people think they are talking to no one, or they think no one is listening. This is because I slip random parts of my own life that I really want to talk about, but do not want anyone to hear, in between conversations. I have learned that sometimes people ask but do not listen, and this is when I share, knowing that no one will hear. So I know when to listen, and hear the desires of people's hearts when they think they are talking to themselves. If Brian or Jacqueline asks me to help with dinner I am more than happy to do so. If they ask me to make lemonade, I will figure out how to make lemonade, and try to my best ability to do so. I would and will do anything they tell, suggest, or ask of me. They have done SO much for me, and I could never deserve it. Pastor Brian once spoke to the youth about receiving an extravagant gift that we could never pay back or deserve. I said for me that was my bedroom. This is true, but Pastor Brian and Jacqueline are my extravagant gifts as well. I could never deserve them. Besides that, I do this work for them because I know how busy they are. Whether I really make an impact or not, I like to think I do.

Say that Jacqueline is having a bad day, and she comes to youth on Wednesday night and sees the mound of trash and becomes stressed out. Then I take the trash out. That stress, as small as it may be, becomes relieved. Now she is more willing to talk to others, spend time with her family, etc. The web of consequences to our actions can never be seen or predicted.

To explain this in a better way... Someone once pointed out to me that we never truly know how many souls we save. Say we save one soul, let us name him, John. John saves Peter. Peter saves Lily, Megan, and Mark. Lily saves Brittany. Megan saves Ashleigh. Mark saves Steven and Tyler. Brittany saves Caroline. Ashleigh saves Cara. Steven saves Josh, Ben, Chris, Jacob, and Darla. Tyler saves Robert, Brian, Roman, Christa, Becky, and Victoria. Now because of the ONE soul we saved, John, TWENTY-ONE souls have been saved. Therefore out of a web of reactions we have saved TWENTY-TWO souls, including John, even though the only person we ever truly met was John. This is also not taking into consideration that we never know the plans God has for the people we save. What if Peter, the man saved by John becomes a pastor and saves thousands of souls, now thousands of souls are saved all because John saved Peter, and we saved John. My point with this is that this is how I believe "small" servant work works. You do something good for one person, and it will spark them to do something good for another, and so on. This is why I believe it is the "small" servant work that is important. You never know which person that you spark up by helping them out will explode into helping millions! You never know, you might be that person!

Now back from that tangent... I just feel like I am falling short of everyone. 

Recently, I went to "Lee Day", an event held by Lee University, the school I intend on joining next fall. I got the chance to take my dad along with me. I was really excited! I was especially excited to show a little bit of the Lord and Christ to my father. However, that was not much of a success. Though I did however, get him to say that he enjoys Lee's campus, which is a HUGE step, I could not get him to enjoy things like worship. I felt like I failed my dad, myself, and God. But then God laid these words in my head, 

"What I may see as a failure, may be a victory in the making."

Though I may think I failed my dad, I actually planted a seed that may grow later in life. I remembered that God has a plan for everyone. I was reminded of the verse that was written on the front cover of my bible.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan for my dad, and maybe that weekend, exactly how it was, is exactly what my dad needed.

Often, we beat ourselves up more than needed. I know, I do it all the time. We become hard on ourselves because we are suppose to be the body of Christ, we are made in the image of God, but here is the thing we forget and miss... We are made in the image of God, but not made to be God. We are taught at a young age, whether Christian or not, "Nobody is perfect, except God." So why do we get so upset when we are not perfect? We should strive to be like God, but sometimes that means forgiving ourselves in the same way that God has forgiven us. 

In the Message Matthew 18:6-7 it states, "Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse." You are bound to fail in life, but do not turn your failures into darkness, turn them into light. Do not dwell on your failures! That only turns you to darkness, to self-hatred, to away from God! Instead allow your failures to fuel you, to encourage and motivate you to do better. Learn from your failures and move on. 

Dr. Paul Conn at Lee University told us "College is not an escalator, it is a stairway." He told us that we must pull ourselves up each step, and not stand there expecting someone or something else to bring us up. This is the same with life. However, sometimes in life your stairways leads downward. You are still pulling yourself forward, but for some reason you find yourself going downward. In this case change your perspectives, and your stairway will turn back over, and lead you upwards again. 

For instance this stair way leads down....

... but change perspective and the stairway leads up.

Learn to celebrate your accomplishments more. I know personally I often forget to recognize what I have done right, but I put my failures in the spotlight. Right now I have aced all my exams in my Art History class, I have an "A" is my Computer Science Class, I have a "B" in my Philosophy class, but in my mind none of this matters because I have a "D" in my American Government class. However, instead of allowing that "D" to bring me down, I should change my perspective, and allow that "D" to fuel me and motivate me to study and read more. If you find yourself overwhelmed by your failures remind yourself more of your accomplishments. Hang post-it notes on your mirror reminding you of your accomplishments. This way every time you see yourself, you see your accomplishments, and therefore you will not view yourself as a failure. Keep a checklist, and check things off as you complete them. Constantly remind yourself of your accomplishments. This sounds strange, but we always remind ourselves of everything we fell short of, but never stop to recognize what we accomplished. Start celebrating your accomplishments more, and your failures less.

Lastly, do everything with and for God. Someone once told me that if you do everything for God you can never be wrong because you are doing it for God. This is so true. Make everything you do with and for God and you can never fail. A really great verse is Matthew 19:26 (MSG) "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

1. So just trust God, and do everything with and for God

2. Celebrate your accomplishments more

3. Change your ways and perspective





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Be Yourself

Do not get so wrapped up in trying to please others that you end up loosing yourself, and God in the process. As teenagers or even young adults, especially, we tend to try and make everything we do impress others. We make all our actions with the intent of getting praise or acceptance from others. However, when we do that we tend to loose our relationship with God because when we try to please others and get praise from others we forget that our praise should be pointed towards on person, and that is the Lord. 

Now I am not saying that we cannot compliment others or encourage others in any way because that is what we should do. I am just saying that whether or not we are being praised we tend to forget to praise the Lord ourselves. If you have ever been forgotten about you know how much that hurts. I imagine that when we forget about God it must hurt a thousand times more to Him because when we forget about Him  we are not just forgetting about any other person, we are forgetting about our answers. We are forgetting about our hope, we are forgetting about anything and everything that could ever help us with our lives, and He knows that even when we do not. That is why it hurts Him so much.

We think that when we come to church we do not do this. That we leave all those behaviors, but that is not true. I am not talking about things like cracking jokes that you got from someone else so that you look funny because that is just human behavior. I am saying that even when we are in a church service, even when we are sitting in the sanctuary or youth room, we try to impress others, and leave God out. I am talking about when we are worshipping and someone raises their hand, and it is not because they feel they should or that they are reaching out to God but because they saw someone else do it. They think that they saw someone else do it so that must be what they have to do, and if they raise their hand they must be a good Christian, and if that is true everyone will smile upon them, except God. 

Now I am not accusing anyone of this. If anything I will accuse myself. I have done this before. I use to do it all the time when I first started going to church. I thought that is what you had to do. You had to do the same things that everyone else was doing or you were not a good Christian. That is what I believed. I was wrong.

In the book of Matthew verse 6:5 it says, "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."

He is basically saying that when you pray do not pray for the praise of others. Do not pray so that others smile upon you. Do not praise the Lord for any other reason then the fact that you feel you need to. For if you praise the Lord for any other reason, are you really praising Him? Or are you just saying words that have no meaning? Matthew is also saying that those who get trapped in that way of thinking, those who praise to get praise from others have all ready gotten their reward because the Lord sees through all lies, and He asks for genuine praise. 

Now I do not want you to see this as a reason to point fingers at others. That is not what this is for. Do not turn this into that. Use this as a guide for yourself. I could not find the verse, but in the book of Matthew He says that we should not call others out for their sings. That is not our job. The Bible says that instead if we see something wrong we should simply pray. Pray for them. 

I want you to take this and come away with the feeling that you should be yourself. Whether in praise or in your social life. In terms of praising, get out there and praise. If you feel you should praise the Lord, do it! No matter where you are or what you are doing. The way I see it, this is God's world. So why should we be afraid to do things for Him? We are not the weird ones. 

To all of you teenagers and high schoolers, get involved! Go throw the word of the Lord around school. Better yet, do it quietly, that is the best way for the word of the Lord to seep into someone's life, quietly and slowly. Go to a Sunday Service. Be a part of the drama team or worship team at your church. If anything just believe that you guys are powerful. If you ever doubt that, if you ever have doubt in the power of the fact that you can effect someone, do not. I am an example of the power within the youth in this world. I am a great example of the power within the youth at my church. They effected me. 

If a year ago you told me that I would be saved, or baptized, or trying, even a little to share the word of the Lord with my family, I would call you crazy. Yet here I am. Despite all that, speaking to anyone about God, singing in worship about God, which says something about me because I cannot sing to save my life. I mean all of that has to mean something. I am living proof of the power my youth group has, and the power and youth has. The power to change things. And I say that that power should be used. 

So to all you teenagers reading this forget about your fears. Forget about what others might say or do. Honestly, you are only in high school for four years, and before you know it, you will be out of there. So whatever they do or say is temporary. And when you move on with your life the words you left behind, the words of the Lord, will stay with them forever. Trust me. I know. I still remember people talking to me about the Lord even when I was a toddler. They planted seeds in my life the same way you can plant seeds in other people's lives. You never know who you can, and all ready have saved. That is the beauty in this world that is so hard to see. Sometimes some of our greatest accomplishments are never seen by us. Think about it this way. If you save one person. That one person is now going to speak about the Lord, and they are going to do it in a way no one can understand. I promise you the Christians that are formed late in life are SO willing to be a vessel of the Lord because their passion's fire burns from the fuel of knowing what life is like without the Lord, and not wanting to EVER go back. So that one person that you saved goes on and saves three people. Then those three people save three people, and now thirteen people are saved because of you. Twelve of which you probably never even met. So do not be afraid for this life is temporary, but life with the Lord is ETERNAL.





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Just Some Old Things

This is a poem I found in one of my old journals that I found interesting...


The Color Blue


I drift upon the light blue sky
When it's always day
Then I turn a good old dark
As you and your body lay

I seep inside the pigment
of a newborn baby's eyes
I stream in the tears
When sad people cry

I even lie inside a feeling
people can contain
I lie inside the water drops
As the sky does rain

But most of all
I am a color
and I will fade away

But don't be sad
You will see me
I'll be back some day






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